I've decided to change my avatar to commemorate the upcoming Belle and Sebastian album, The Life Pursuit to the cover from their EP Dog On Wheels. Yes, I am completely obsessed with them, but I can't help it. They were the first band I ever loved and ever saw live. They've saved me through many a crisis...art can do that to you.
I didn't go to school again today, and am not going back tomorrow. My mom thinks it's wise for me to be on my anti-anxiety medication for a few more days (zanix), because my anxiety is just getting intolerable...I'm skirting around on the edge of a knife. I just don't want to have another panick attack...I had them throughout my eighth grade year, and another one I don't think I can handle. They scare me so much.
Here's a description: first, you become anxious, like the walls are closing in on you, malevolent forces are lurking in every corner, and the whole world is pressing in on you, you're trapped. Then, it gets worse, you can't sit still, you get panicky, you're chest hurts, you're breath's shallow...then the hyperventilating comes. That's the worst. You feel so bad after that, like you're a shell. And it just scares the shit out of me.
Today was a good day though-I woke up at nine to coffee and a chocolate croisant, then went over to my mom's office, where I read more of The Scarlet Letter (which I love. If you diss Hawthorne or Dostoevsky around me, you'll get a can of my literary whoop ass!). Then it was off to a nice lunch of Thai food, then on to therapy.
I've made a shocking discovery which I'm kind of ashamed of: I'm projecting my father onto poor Rose. She's really not that bad, she's younger and more immature than me. My father, on the other hand, sends me into the depths of depression whenever I have to see him again. Like now. I'm seeing him again on the 20th. He is a complete narcissist, who doesn't see me as a person, and is emotionally abusive. I seriously think I suffered post traumatic stress disorder from a particuarly bad visit to him. But I can't back out of it now-he'll use it against me next time I see him; I don't want to give him an excuse to hurt me. So, that's why I'm not coming out to him. He has obsessive compulsive disorder, so when he travels (we're going to Chile to visit his girlfriend's family), he's completely rude to everyone else around him and drives them all crazy. So...I don't want that to send him over the edge, because then I'll get hurt.
Then later while my mom was in a meeting at church I talked with one of the priests there who I really like, and I always feel calmer after talking to her. She just has that presence about her that makes you feel at peace with the world. Anyways, I'm feeling better, but with the night my anxiety always gets worse. So, I'm embarassed to say, I have to sleep in my mom's bed or else I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack.
It sucks these things control my life. Maybe I'll have a panic attack at the thought of having a panic attack. But that isn't really funny.
Tonight I watched this really great movie though, called The Grey Zone. It's about a comando of Jews on a majour concentration camp who are responsible for getting the people into the showers, and then burning the bodies afterward in the crematorium. It was so profoundly disturbing, but so well done...but my throat is tightening up. How can there be anti-semetism still? I don't understand it...and what's worse, they were so thourough about it. They used gas chambers to efficently kill people, they wanted "proper" counts, they did horrible experiments to make a perfect race of people...it's all so despicable. You think to yourself, it happened there, why can't it happen again? It happens all throughout history...
And what's worse, the Jewish people have contributed so much to the world, and they've been treated like shit. Where's the sense in that?
It just makes me so sad...I'm so sensitive. Sometimes I wish I weren't, but with a gift there's always a curse.