I'm A Dog On Wheels, Baby...Somebody Save Me

devildog's picture

I've decided to change my avatar to commemorate the upcoming Belle and Sebastian album, The Life Pursuit to the cover from their EP Dog On Wheels. Yes, I am completely obsessed with them, but I can't help it. They were the first band I ever loved and ever saw live. They've saved me through many a crisis...art can do that to you.

I didn't go to school again today, and am not going back tomorrow. My mom thinks it's wise for me to be on my anti-anxiety medication for a few more days (zanix), because my anxiety is just getting intolerable...I'm skirting around on the edge of a knife. I just don't want to have another panick attack...I had them throughout my eighth grade year, and another one I don't think I can handle. They scare me so much.

Here's a description: first, you become anxious, like the walls are closing in on you, malevolent forces are lurking in every corner, and the whole world is pressing in on you, you're trapped. Then, it gets worse, you can't sit still, you get panicky, you're chest hurts, you're breath's shallow...then the hyperventilating comes. That's the worst. You feel so bad after that, like you're a shell. And it just scares the shit out of me.

Today was a good day though-I woke up at nine to coffee and a chocolate croisant, then went over to my mom's office, where I read more of The Scarlet Letter (which I love. If you diss Hawthorne or Dostoevsky around me, you'll get a can of my literary whoop ass!). Then it was off to a nice lunch of Thai food, then on to therapy.

I've made a shocking discovery which I'm kind of ashamed of: I'm projecting my father onto poor Rose. She's really not that bad, she's younger and more immature than me. My father, on the other hand, sends me into the depths of depression whenever I have to see him again. Like now. I'm seeing him again on the 20th. He is a complete narcissist, who doesn't see me as a person, and is emotionally abusive. I seriously think I suffered post traumatic stress disorder from a particuarly bad visit to him. But I can't back out of it now-he'll use it against me next time I see him; I don't want to give him an excuse to hurt me. So, that's why I'm not coming out to him. He has obsessive compulsive disorder, so when he travels (we're going to Chile to visit his girlfriend's family), he's completely rude to everyone else around him and drives them all crazy. So...I don't want that to send him over the edge, because then I'll get hurt.

Then later while my mom was in a meeting at church I talked with one of the priests there who I really like, and I always feel calmer after talking to her. She just has that presence about her that makes you feel at peace with the world. Anyways, I'm feeling better, but with the night my anxiety always gets worse. So, I'm embarassed to say, I have to sleep in my mom's bed or else I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack.

It sucks these things control my life. Maybe I'll have a panic attack at the thought of having a panic attack. But that isn't really funny.

Tonight I watched this really great movie though, called The Grey Zone. It's about a comando of Jews on a majour concentration camp who are responsible for getting the people into the showers, and then burning the bodies afterward in the crematorium. It was so profoundly disturbing, but so well done...but my throat is tightening up. How can there be anti-semetism still? I don't understand it...and what's worse, they were so thourough about it. They used gas chambers to efficently kill people, they wanted "proper" counts, they did horrible experiments to make a perfect race of people...it's all so despicable. You think to yourself, it happened there, why can't it happen again? It happens all throughout history...

And what's worse, the Jewish people have contributed so much to the world, and they've been treated like shit. Where's the sense in that?

It just makes me so sad...I'm so sensitive. Sometimes I wish I weren't, but with a gift there's always a curse.

~Sam

Comments

Uncertain's picture

Aww man, I hope you feel alri

Aww man, I hope you feel alright. Wish you well and get better soon! Somehow fathers in the family are always the hardest to deal with... if anything ever goes wrong I'm glad you can talk to someone like the priest or your mom that will eventually make you feel better. Or you can post here and we'll try to help you out. We love you, remember that =D

For a moment I thought that avatar was you! The girl in the avatar is beautiful, I have to admit that. =]

> > "I'd rather have the heterosexual society changed than my homosexual child change" - Annonymous

devildog's picture

Thanks*hugs*. Nope, that isn'

Thanks*hugs*. Nope, that isn't me-but she is so cute, I love that album cover. LOL, I'm actaully short, small, and blonde, with crazy layered hair.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

napalmhamster's picture

I can sympathize with you

I'm sorry to hear thatyour having trouble with the relationship with your dad. That's always rough stuff. I don't know if you've checked my acount info, but for the past year I've been at a emotional growth boarding school where I've been dealing with this kind of thing myself, as well as helping others work through it. I'll give you some advice (It is your choice if you want to take it, it's only advice) : Try talking him about your feelings. If you're too afraid to do it in person, then do it over the phone. If you are nervous as to how he may respond to what you have to say, then write letters. Letters are always the best way to go about things like this, because he can't give an immediate response. He'll have towrite out your response, or wait until a time when he can talk to you, giving him a lot more time to precess what you have to say. Just explain to him your anxieties surrounding the relationship, and tell him where you would like the relationship to be. Tell him what things he needs to work on, at the same time stating what you can work on. You may think that there is nothing for you to work on, but if you tell someone that the issue is all theirs, the chances are very high that they will become defensive and resentful. If you to tell him that you need some time off before you visit him agian. Remember to take it slow. Start with letters,then work your way up to phone calls and visits. If you do decide to give this a try, keep me updated on how it's going, and I will help you in whatever way I can. I'm here to offer my help if you want it.

-A.J.-

My mission is to see the world with eyes unclouded by pain, confusion, or hate

devildog's picture

Thanks for the advice

...I have talked to him, told him exactly how I was feeling in as non-threatening a way as possible. I'm not sure if it's had any affect (he lives in England, I dont' get to see him very often), but I've just had so many bad experiences in the past I'm just so afraid he'll be his usual self. He hurts me out of apathy, of not knowing who I am...*sigh*. But I dont' think he's changed at all-nothing will at this point.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

woodrabbit326's picture

I remember the days of darkness

I remember what that was like.. I actually had panic attacks for several months of 8th grade too and having another one, the closeness that it brings you to feeling like you're going insane, that fear is haunting. I hated medication but I still took it for almost a year... I felt dead on it. It gives me a frame for your poetry though.... that last piece echoed for me beccause of your reference to anxiety and pills and how maybe they'll fix things and maybe they won't. And I hope everything feels better soon. I wish no one had to go through that hell. Hold on tight and try not to slip on the edge of the knife.

Allison
******************
There is always some madness in love.
But there is also always some reason in madness.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

devildog's picture

Thank you:) ~*~*~*~*~*~

Thank you:)

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian