Is it just me or is everything shit?

Campfire's picture

Well firstly a happy new year to everyone and all that crap.

Now cliche, pointless, repetitive well wishing aside, I thought I would write some excerpts from a book I've just started reading. It's called 'Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit?'. I find it very amusing. It's like a dictionary of things the authors find shit, but a couple I thought particularly true and funny are below:

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Iraq War euphemisms

Having a great big war going on day after day requires a whole raft of new coinages to stop people from getting too hopelessly worked up about bodies falling apart and other things that really shouldn't concern them. The Iraq War has spawned a whole new range of such euphemisms to go alongside old favourites like 'friendly fire' and 'collateral damage'.

The whole affair was a 'preventive' or 'pre-emptive' war - a safety measure closer to fitting a smoke alarm to protect your home from the danger of fire - rather than, say, protecting your home from the danger of fire by launching missiles at it. It was also a 'war of choice' - as in 'car of choice' or 'cereal of choice' - which makes the coalition sound like a happy consumer rather than, say, the kind of consumer who bombs shops.

'Pacifying Fallujah' became an almhost comfortably familiar phrase (like 'Educating Rita' or 'Chasing Amy') - with its connotations of a dummy helping soothe a crying baby's distress. During the attack on Fallujah, the Foreign Office claimed displaced residents were 'visiting relatives' (presumably drinking too much tea with Derek Jacobs on in the background) and the Pentagon labelled the 10,000-15,000 universal soldiers helping interrogate/torture prisoners as 'private contractors'. Presumably, the word 'mercenary' sounded a bit, well, mercenary.

US news feeds would talk of another 'busy day in Baghdad' before going over to a correspondent who said, 'Yes, there's been some developments.' On one particular 'busy' day, 22 September 2004, the 'developments' included two US soldiers being accused of the cold-blooded murder of three Iraqi civilians, the discovery of the beheaded body of British hostage Jack Hensley, multiple car bombings causing 11 civilian deaths, plus a further 22 people killed in helicopter raids on Sadr City. So yes, definitely a 'busy' day. If you were living in Baghdad, you'd certainly come home saying: 'Busy out there today. Busy busy busy! There's what looks very much like a big fucking war going on.'

Perhaps next time we could do away with the word 'war' altogether and replace it with the words 'birthday party'. This will reinforce how coalition troops are calling in by invitations. On entering this 'party', we will start dropping 'cakes' on the hosts. Unfortunately, this might lead to some 'crumbs' falling on to the floor. But don't worry, because we'll wipe up any subsequent mess with 'tissues'. Lucrative oil and rebuilding contracts will be the 'sweets' we take home in our 'goody bag'.

Despite the invitations stating that the party ends at 4 p.m., we might stretch out the fun a little longer, possibly for some years.

E-mail bragging

People who 'complain' about how many messages they get sent, especially after they get back from holiday - 'I'm still ploughing through them!' Yes, well done. You're really fucking important.

Il Divo

Italian for 'The Divs'
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If you want to buy it then use these Froogle results (opens in new window).

Comments

raining men's picture

Collaterlaldamage

Collateral damage always cracked me up. Call it what it is already - blowing up 6000 civillians

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"