I've been through Earthly Hell and back

devildog's picture

First, can I say I missed you guys? I'm going to be needing a huge hug right about now.

Monday night-my anxiety wasn't improving, the suicidal thoughts were still there, and we couldn't get a pyschiatrist's appointment till next Tuesday. My mother didn't know what to do, she was so worried about me. So, we got into the car and drove over to the local mental hospital. We were trying to see if I could be evaluated and get some new medication. What they said to us was much different...the woman who evaluated me said I needed hospitilization. My mom and I were shocked-I couldn't believe it, was I that bad? But I went with what she said.

With my mom crying, myself included, I got my shoelaces taken away and was put into a bungalo with ten other kids. I thought her judgement was better than mine...it clearly wasn't.

The night I couldn't sleep through. My roommates just feasted on the fact that I was a lesbian for entertainment value-they were going stir crazy. The jokes were unceasing, but I could care less then. The bed was hard and the sheets were rough. No comfort was there.

The next morning, they took my blood. I had to meditate through it. Breakfast was horrible, and I could barely eat it-they gave us pancakes, but no knives. When I took my meds they made me open my mouth to see I had swallowed them. All the kids were so depressing-they had been there two or three times before, laughed about it all, were pros at being in these things. They kept on coming back...wasn't the point that you wouldn't?

The psychiatrists and groups were shit-they had their formula made for tough kids making bad decisions. I didn't fit into this formula, all the other kids were there for drugs, disciplinary problems, suicide, or cutting themselves. I felt so neglected and alone.

I didn't eat dinner.

At six fifteen there was family therapy, and I basically just attached myself to my mom and cried. I can't describe to you how horrible an experience I was having. Her mind was made up then-she was taking me out. And so they gave me a drug that wiped my mind clean and we were off. Only after did she tell me what went on before I joined "family therapy."

The parents were horrible. One woman said she wanted to cut off her daughter's boyfriend's balls off, and another said she didn't want her daughter associating with those "blacks." They were saying horrible stuff about their children. There's this whole world of these people coming in and out of mental institutions, and I didn't belong there. I didn't do drugs, act out, or cut myself, and was never going to act on my thoughts of suicide. Even my mom believes that.

Thank God I'm out, but it was shock therapy; I want to get well. I never want to be like those people, I want LIFE. I want to be happy! Next week, I am going back to school God damnit. This evening a great psychiatrist evaluated me (a mutual friend pulled some strings), and I'm going onto some new medicine that'll hopefully work better. I want to get better.

Anyways, I'm back. And I am never going away again.

~Sam

Comments

sugarmagnolia's picture

glad to hear you're back... t

glad to hear you're back... that must've been horrible, it's so sad that hospitals like the one you were at just go with the system rather than truly adressing problems. on the other hand, it's very postive that you've turned your experience into more motiviation to get well. so **big hug** and welcome back. it's good that you have such a supportive relationship with your mom, and that you were able to see a good psychiatrist. good luck back at school, getting back into a normal routine will probably help as well. i hope things continue to look up for you. :)

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

devildog's picture

Thanks! Being back has certai

Thanks! Being back has certainly made me be more cheery, and it has just boosted my motivation...too bad it had to be such an extreme wake up call.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

Inkblot's picture

Hug

*hugs you* Aww, Sam, that's awful! At least things are looking up. Hold on, darlin'.

devildog's picture

Aw, thank you! ~*~*~*~*~*~

Aw, thank you!

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

rowie's picture

welcome back + if i cant b

welcome back

+ if i cant be a good example ill just have to be a horrible warning +

**you must be the change you wish to see in the world**

devildog's picture

^^; Thanks ~*~*~*~*~*~

^^; Thanks

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

under_your_spell's picture

wow...you've been through a l

wow...you've been through a lot. *hugs*

thanks for the comment on my journal. :)

devildog's picture

Thanks for the hug! And you'r

Thanks for the hug! And you're welcome:)

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

woodrabbit326's picture

I'm so sorry things got that

I'm so sorry things got that bad. You have just described my biggest fear. The determination to get better, though, can make a world of difference. I hope things turn around soon.
******************
There is always some madness in love.
But there is also always some reason in madness.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

devildog's picture

Thanks:). Surprisingly, I jus

Thanks:). Surprisingly, I just feel so much better, my determination has gone into overdrive. I think I learned a valuable lesson-never give up and let yourself go down.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

Heh...'s picture

my god... that was the same e

my god... that was the same experience i had cept it was longer. like holy crap those places ARE FUCKED UP AND DO NOT AND WILL NEVER HELP YOU EVVVERERRREVERVEREVER!!! btw that sounds exactaly like mine... was it called Aroura? (not sure on the spelling) but was it in san diego??

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I wanna hug :x!

devildog's picture

Really? Man, that's freaky. A

Really? Man, that's freaky. And yes, THEY ARE HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, I'm night and day after getting out of there. I hope we both never go back again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

Heh...'s picture

i do too. and i hope you are

i do too. and i hope you are ok =(

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