Date: Dec 19, 2005 11:31 PM
Subject: Notes on Friday Therapy Session and The Weekend.
For KennyD my partner and my friends Marc and Adrian.
On Friday I was experiencing the worst post therapy blue on Friday and I was about to cry at any moments. I tried to let my feelings sink in so I could get over the whole experience and look forward to the weekend. All I could feel was a lump in my throat. Well I was winning about it to Adrian for a few sentences. I was asking Marc if he wanted to come out to the cinema. But he didn't wanna do anythings.
Earlier during the session KennyD emailed me he was signing of for the weekend. He told me that he had been one campus, since 7 a.m. and was really tired. I paged to offer to walked; KennyD told me he already left.
Marc and I have a really strange way of dealing with out our emotional selves. I call it a diversions therapy. Although we talk about what upsets us, we also make other irrelevant jokes and comments. We even planned our shoes (and other) shopping trip. We both adore Sarah Jessica Parker as herself and Carrey and can always make randoms references to Sex and The City. I went to see Family Stone and went back to my apartment.
On Saturday I got up to negotiate my way through crowded roads to get to the Central Station to catch the train to my grandfather's. Sunday Grandpa and I went to the morning service.
We spent a quiet afternoon together. We headed out to Aunt Jane's around six. We kinda chated about various things like school and life in general. Although I was contemplating on coming out to them this Sunday I still didn't have enough to come out to them.
During the therapy on Friday I was talking about my self-esteems and self perception. Five years after I left my first high school all those mean people and how they planned their malicious acts against me. I had no luck with the teachers and chaplains because they just called me sissy and might've thought that I could use a bit of toughen up. For years I felt that I was not worthy of anythings despite all the compliments I received from my family.
I always felt that I never deserved whatever I have had. I had always been over protective about my friendships and sought approvals from any forms of authorities. I constantly contemplated on failures and could never enjoy the sense of success. For the first time in many years I admitted that I suffered from bullying and neglects during my time in high school.
I don't know if I am completely healed all other pains right now. I love my family dearly. I can hear their rootings and cheerings better today. I am learning to accept their compliments and to quit over analyzing the situations.