I'm worried for myself, and the only music that can comfort me is the crooning yet beautiful self-pity of The Smiths. The anxiety comes with the night, and I must satiate that ever growing fear with a mindless comfort of technology. VHI, Comedy Central, all of these things to numb my aching nerves. Is there much hope for me? Yes, but the road is long and at any time I can go over the edge into darkness.
I don't want to burden my mother with my troubles, or you, but I just have to get it out because I'm so afraid. I'm afraid...I'm afraid I'll do something, that I might hurt myself. And I don't want to, but these past few days have been so hard, I'm a mess. And the earliest psychiatrist appointment my mom could get is more than a week away, so...we may be going to the emergency room at a hospital. It's scary, I hate it when I'm in this state, but I need help, and I need it now.
It's not fair my body has to assault me like this. I missed three days of school, am I going to miss more? Because when you're like this, you can't concentrate and the atmosphere of a school makes it worse. I know I'll have a fullfilling adult life, but it's so unfair I have to wait through so many years of pain. I've suffered from depression since I was ten, and I'm sixteen now. The worst was when I was fourteen, and I don't want to go back to that place, I don't, but I'm afraid I am.
And I just feel so confused and let down by God, I'm so angry at God. But I believe that through pain you can achieve great understanding, but getting there is shit. And I'm so afraid people think of me as a flake. Maybe because I think of myself that way....
Anyways, don't worry too much about me-I'll get through it, I always do. It's just not pleasent. And it's always in this place where that idiotic phrase comes up, "I'm straight, I just happen to like girls." Sure, Sam, you're straight. I keep on having to remind myself that I get hot watching the Victoria Secret comercials.
It's not fair that homophobia gets internalized like this.
"This is my present to the world, take it from me please please take it from me."
I just turned on Raining Babies by The Flaming Lips, and suddenly I got this weird glimmer of hope at this chorus. I do have a lot to give to some woman, and there is someone out there for me. God, I want a girlfriend so much, someone to love and who loves me. But we shall wait and see.
I suppose I've rambled enough for now. Good night.