Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

devildog's picture

I'm worried for myself, and the only music that can comfort me is the crooning yet beautiful self-pity of The Smiths. The anxiety comes with the night, and I must satiate that ever growing fear with a mindless comfort of technology. VHI, Comedy Central, all of these things to numb my aching nerves. Is there much hope for me? Yes, but the road is long and at any time I can go over the edge into darkness.

I don't want to burden my mother with my troubles, or you, but I just have to get it out because I'm so afraid. I'm afraid...I'm afraid I'll do something, that I might hurt myself. And I don't want to, but these past few days have been so hard, I'm a mess. And the earliest psychiatrist appointment my mom could get is more than a week away, so...we may be going to the emergency room at a hospital. It's scary, I hate it when I'm in this state, but I need help, and I need it now.

It's not fair my body has to assault me like this. I missed three days of school, am I going to miss more? Because when you're like this, you can't concentrate and the atmosphere of a school makes it worse. I know I'll have a fullfilling adult life, but it's so unfair I have to wait through so many years of pain. I've suffered from depression since I was ten, and I'm sixteen now. The worst was when I was fourteen, and I don't want to go back to that place, I don't, but I'm afraid I am.

And I just feel so confused and let down by God, I'm so angry at God. But I believe that through pain you can achieve great understanding, but getting there is shit. And I'm so afraid people think of me as a flake. Maybe because I think of myself that way....

Anyways, don't worry too much about me-I'll get through it, I always do. It's just not pleasent. And it's always in this place where that idiotic phrase comes up, "I'm straight, I just happen to like girls." Sure, Sam, you're straight. I keep on having to remind myself that I get hot watching the Victoria Secret comercials.

It's not fair that homophobia gets internalized like this.

"This is my present to the world, take it from me please please take it from me."

I just turned on Raining Babies by The Flaming Lips, and suddenly I got this weird glimmer of hope at this chorus. I do have a lot to give to some woman, and there is someone out there for me. God, I want a girlfriend so much, someone to love and who loves me. But we shall wait and see.

I suppose I've rambled enough for now. Good night.

~Sam

Comments

Shenlong the Arcane's picture

I didn't know that someone el

I didn't know that someone else felt the same as me. Self-acceptance when it makes you a minority is a bitch isn't it? Well just try and keep yoursself together as much as you can. Now I'm starting to see why some people say to hell with labels, love is blind, who cares what sex they are.

devildog's picture

Amen to that...and thanks, I'

Amen to that...and thanks, I'll try to glue myself back up!

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

Inkblot's picture

hug

Hold on, Sam. Just hold on, sweetheart. Hold on, and don't look back. Ack, I'm spouting what sounds like bad movie dialog. Anyway, hug!

devildog's picture

Aww, thank you! *hugs back*

Aww, thank you! *hugs back*

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

Sorority_Girl's picture

Note to a new friend

Well I feel like we've been back and fourth with in our journals, and inboxes ALL day :)
You're hittin bottom right now, and it hurts, and it's rough. Don't worry about being mad a God. It does happen, and it's ok. He'll just chill until you're not mad at him any more.
I'm so torn that you have to go through this, and that you've gone through it for so long. I have a lot of respect for you being able to. A lot of respect for that. It can't be easy.
Know that I'm thinking about you, and I want you to be able to feel better about yourself. It sucks that you have no control over what your body is deciding to do right now, but I will be waiting to read that you've pulled through it alright.

And because I'm a touchy feely emotional person... and every one else is doing it ;) here's a giant *HUG* for you :)

devildog's picture

Aw, thanks a lot:) ~*~*~*~

Aw, thanks a lot:)

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

Icarus's picture

Sam, Baby, don't despair. *Hu

Sam, Baby, don't despair. *Hugs tight* Hope always seems to shine through in the end if you look for it.

*My smile's wound so tight
it's breaking..
My heart's so broken
it's beyond saving...*

devildog's picture

Thank you! ~*~*~*~*~*~

Thank you!

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

yep_im_a_stalker's picture

i love "how soon is now" by t

i love "how soon is now" by the smiths and i have the depression thing too (uh...probably since 10 but im 13 almost 14) sometimes it seems like its getting better then it all comes back and im suicidal.

my mom had me go to counseling before and shes thinking about it again...it kinda scares me because im afraid that theyll say im screwed up and that i need to go on meds...and i really dont like meds...they screw people up worse than they already were

*Love is blind to everything you throw in its path-Race, gender, religious beliefs, and social class are just minor annoyances.*

devildog's picture

Ah, don't worry-it all depend

Ah, don't worry-it all depends on the counselor you have. I've had some really crappy ones, but then some who've really saved my life. And meds aren't bad for all-man, without my medication I would...be totally nuts.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

Uncertain's picture

Man... seems like you're goin

Man... seems like you're going through a very difficult time. Aww, I want to give you a hug. Stay strong Sam!

> > "I'd rather have the heterosexual society changed than my homosexual child change" - Annonymous

devildog's picture

Thank you, Max:) ~*~*~*~*~

Thank you, Max:)

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

the mouse that roared's picture

ginormous hugs for sam

It sucks that you've been feeling so bad, but it will get better and you will get through this. Hang in there and keep your head up, and try to smile at least once every day, OK? *more hugs*

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

devildog's picture

Thanks:) ~*~*~*~*~*~ I

Thanks:)

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

napalmhamster's picture

I know how it feels. I've bee

I know how it feels. I've been struggling with depression for eight years now. It's not fun. The only thing you can do is heep pushing forward and keep on loving yourself. Hugs and love,

-A.J.-

My mission is to see the world with eyes unclouded by pain, confusion, or hate

devildog's picture

Thanks so much:) ~*~*~*~*~

Thanks so much:)

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian