(Upsetting but Insightful)

formula_truth_love's picture

Well if you have read any of my other journals i have said about the girl T well i told you how i asked my teacher who i'm close to well i did and i asked her also today if she knew why i asked her that question. As in if T was single. Well she wrote me and said how messed up T's Family Life and head is all screwed up. Not actually the words she used and then how i should sniff up another tree as in look elswhere. Well i agree with her i knew beforehand that she had a lot of problems but i guess i tried to ignore it because i have been feeling very alone this year and last year. Because i don't have people to talk to face to face about girls or gay issues. Whenever i talk to my friend Alyssa and i just without thinking say she's cute or beautiful about a girl in a magazine i notice then i watch what she'll say or do or if she'll comment but then she always changes the subject. Refering to somthing else in the magazine and i know other's don't know so i can't speak to them. I guess i just tried to like T because i felt so alone and that everything i thought felt no one could get. So i thought oh if she's single she proabally doesn't want another gay friend so i went for girlfriend instead.

I know i wasn't going to do anything really i guess i just for once wanted to tell someone so i made this into something bigger than it was. It doesn't help that i always feel defeated that being attracted to a girl and finding out she's straight i can deal with that and rejection but the fact that i can't talk to people about it except on the internet which helps. Alittle but i just wish for the face to face gestures facial expressions voices things you can't get here. Which is why i cry so much because they may know i like girls but i respect that they don't wanna talk about it so i don't which is why i am always so quiet. So they think i'm just naturally quiet but if they just took the chance just tolerated that i can't always talk about guys and how cute they are and go along with that like some robot. I want more need more than superficial conversations about things with people at my school. I just wish that i wasn't so in the closet shy scared then maybe i could find a friend friends that were gay or didn't have a problem talking about same sex with me. Also i can't talk with guys about girls because the things they say are just so idiodic and moronic unsensative towards a womans feelings or needs desires which i constantly try to respect and think about. Sorry for this rambling on if anyone reads this i just feel so i don't know i guess empty deflated.

Comments

the mouse that roared's picture

It's hard

I know what it's like, not feeling able to talk about girls and feeling too closeted in school. I mean, I'm not out to the majority of my friends, so it's not like I can expect them to be more supportive, but it still feels strange that I never end up talking about it. I guess I'm just too shy and closeted and scared, too, despite how many friends I have come out to. I mean, even if they're supportive, they are straight, and straight girls can't know what you mean so much when you talk about hot girls. Oh well. Maybe you should try to find a gay youth group in your area?

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

devildog's picture

It is hard being a gay teenag

It is hard being a gay teenager, and it can be lonely. You just have to remind yourself that this is not forever, that you will find a place more tolerant and find someone to love. No adult I know wishes they were a teenager again. And it is so painful to hear other girls gush over guys then get uncomfortable when you make one comment about some girl. It's not fair, but in college people are more mature about these things (ugh, it's too long a wait).

Just know you're not alone!

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian