Well if you have read any of my other journals i have said about the girl T well i told you how i asked my teacher who i'm close to well i did and i asked her also today if she knew why i asked her that question. As in if T was single. Well she wrote me and said how messed up T's Family Life and head is all screwed up. Not actually the words she used and then how i should sniff up another tree as in look elswhere. Well i agree with her i knew beforehand that she had a lot of problems but i guess i tried to ignore it because i have been feeling very alone this year and last year. Because i don't have people to talk to face to face about girls or gay issues. Whenever i talk to my friend Alyssa and i just without thinking say she's cute or beautiful about a girl in a magazine i notice then i watch what she'll say or do or if she'll comment but then she always changes the subject. Refering to somthing else in the magazine and i know other's don't know so i can't speak to them. I guess i just tried to like T because i felt so alone and that everything i thought felt no one could get. So i thought oh if she's single she proabally doesn't want another gay friend so i went for girlfriend instead.
I know i wasn't going to do anything really i guess i just for once wanted to tell someone so i made this into something bigger than it was. It doesn't help that i always feel defeated that being attracted to a girl and finding out she's straight i can deal with that and rejection but the fact that i can't talk to people about it except on the internet which helps. Alittle but i just wish for the face to face gestures facial expressions voices things you can't get here. Which is why i cry so much because they may know i like girls but i respect that they don't wanna talk about it so i don't which is why i am always so quiet. So they think i'm just naturally quiet but if they just took the chance just tolerated that i can't always talk about guys and how cute they are and go along with that like some robot. I want more need more than superficial conversations about things with people at my school. I just wish that i wasn't so in the closet shy scared then maybe i could find a friend friends that were gay or didn't have a problem talking about same sex with me. Also i can't talk with guys about girls because the things they say are just so idiodic and moronic unsensative towards a womans feelings or needs desires which i constantly try to respect and think about. Sorry for this rambling on if anyone reads this i just feel so i don't know i guess empty deflated.