I'm not really sure where to begin. Back in seventh
grade, the most I thought about 'gay people' was that
my parents yelled at the radio becuase they couldn't
get married. I wasn't really conscious of anything
other than what the homework was for tomorrow, where I
was going next weekend, and how much my allowance was.
Then around the middle of October (ooh, weird, I know
:), there was this girl. Olivia. And at first, you
know, it was innocent. She fascinated me. I wanted to
figure her out. I guess that's how it always starts.
And I remember by Thanksgiving.. I had a full-blown
crush. On a girl. And I didn't even know it!
Somehow, I obtained her screen name, so we talked
sometimes. It got so that if she was online and I
wanted to talk to her, I couldn't. I'd type the
message and then sit there, debating, with my finger
on the enter key, until A. she signed off, B. she went
away, C. she IM'ed me (not often) or D. i accidentally
pressed enter and we ended up having a conversation.
That became less and less frequent, though, as the
year prograssed. And my crush that I didn't know was a
crush became more and more intense. I was pretty much
obsessed.. and at the end of seventh grade Olivia said
she wasn't coming back next year. Can you say
devastated, because I can. And I was. My memories of
seventh grade are numerous and mostly painful. I
wouldn't want to go through it again for anything.
Except for the terrible exciting amazing thing that
was this crush, that I wish I could experience again,
just for the newness of it, and the knowing that I
thought this girl was perfect for so long.
But she wasn't ready to be friends with me. She had
cool friends who smoked and ingested things into their
bodies that weren't supposed to go there. That was
part of the mystique, back then. I still think it
might have been amazing to know her, really know her..
but after the summer of seventh grade, we never
talked, and by the beginning of eighth, things started
falling apart. I told a few people that I'd liked her
and it got around. I might have told the wrong people.
In January or February of last year, Olivia found out.
And it wasn't nice.. to experience the feeling that
the person you've thought was perfect for so long
hates you. Or at least, if they're capable of feeling
an emotion as palpable as hate, they hate you. Maybe
they just feel contempt for you. But I couldn't seem
to get over her.
It's been almost two years since I first met Olivia,
and I still think about it sometimes.. a lot of the
time actually. I suppose I've moved on, but I'll
always remember that as my first real crush, my first
intense, amazing crazy crush that's never really going
to go away. I think I will always have a little scar
from that, even if it's healed by other things.
Coming out, on the other hand, went well for me. Last
year in December I went to a school dance and saw
Olivia. I came home, realized the hopelessness of it
all, and started crying. My mom, being the considerate
person that she is, came in and talked to me about it.
We had a long conversation about love, and being
young, and phases and sadness. We've had more
conversations like that since then- mostly about
phases. For a while my mom stubbornly insisted that I
was 'probably going through a phase.' After I started
frequenting the local LGBT youth group though, she
I went to my first Pride celebration last June. That
was amazing and I can't wait to do it again :D I
didn't get to participate in the parade though.
So far about half my friends know; and I've come out
to the important ones. Most of them, anyway.
Hope this is useful.
Location: Rhode Island, USA