Advice from Punk Poet

OasisOut's picture

Hi,
My name is Rebekkah, my username on Oasis is Punk Poet, I'm fifteen years old, I'm a girl, and I live in southern Virginia.

As the cliche goes, I kind of always knew I was different for basically as long as I can remember. I didn't have an idea of how I was different, I just always knew that deep down inside, there was something about me that wasn't like anyone else I knew.

As a child, it wasn't so much a sexual idea as it was a mental one. I was drawn to girls and women, leaving the boys and men alone. When I watched Disney movies that seemed to be so popular, I would beg to be Belle's friend, to play along with Ariel, to save Jasmine from Jafar. In my play-pretend games, damsels in distress were rescued by other damsels, leaving the brave knights as bit players. I never reall questioned this belief, I just kind of accepted it for what it was. I never really told anyone about these things, just left them to sit and grow in my head.

As I got older, I began to start questioning my sanity. Both my parents are and were great movie buffs and loved all kinds of good movies. The first one I saw was Star Wars Episode IV, and I became enamored with Princess Leia. Not Luke or Han as any other girl might've, but Leia. When I saw Return of the Jedi when I was about nine, it became even more obvious. I was unsure of how to deal with this. These feelings I were experiencing, they were entirely new territory. I chalked it up to eccentricity and went about my daily life.

Then when I was ten, I learned about the "G" word. My parents were furious. Apparently, they had been trying to shield me from such things for a very long time. To my astonishment, I learned that sometimes men fell in love with other men and women sometimes fell in love with other women. I amazed and frightened me to death. This new idea buzzed around in my head and I mulled it over for months on end. For so long, I'd watched movies or TV shows and kept my eyes on the female characters. I tried to develop an interest in guys, but there was nothing. One night when I was about eleven or twelve I tearfully confessed to my father that I thought I was gay. He quickly brushed it off, calling it a "phase."

So I left it alone, keeping it softly buzzing in the back of my head. It wasn't until I was about thirteen that I discovered fanfiction. Yes, fanfiction. I was deeply into a show that had a somewhat butch female character and a slightly femme character. It was there that I seemed to truly discover myself. For some reason, it was only then I think I truly realized I wasn't straight. To try and find out, I put myself through a series of tests.

"Breasts or no?"
"Breasts"
"Penis?"
"No."
"Facial hair?"
"Nah"

Well, something to that extent. But, I soon came to realize (though when I look back now I feel like smacking myself in the forehead for being so unobservant) I was a lesbian. I tried (several times) to come out to my family, but my parents continually brushed it off. My mother told me that every girl my age thought the very same thing. She didn't seem to realize how deep the feelings went. But, when I came out to my sisters, they were loving and understanding and often teased me about it.

For a while, it was only my sisters that knew. Even as I began school again, I kept to myself and didn't say much about boys. About a month or so after I started school, my mother passed away after battling a deathly sickness for nearly three years. It hit me hard and told me I wasn't going to be around forever. So, on a complete spur of the moment thing, I took a white T-shirt and wrote on it, "Let's get something straight..."
and on the back, it said "I'm not." And I wore it to school. My original plan had been just to wear it in my Drama class where I knew I probably wouldn't get attacked. And indeed, everyone in there, being the brilliant people that they are accepted me and treated me just the same. But, I accidentally wore it in my English class and thankfully, they were wonderful about it too. My English teacher actually thought the saying was quite funny.

Days passed and things went back to normal. Then one day, I happened to wear it again and my math class was in an uproar. Not a bad one, just...a curious one. I was bombarded with question after question, but amazingly enough, no one called me a freak or something rude, they were just genuinely curious. After that, things once again went back to normal and they've stayed back to normal. I'm treated like a normal human being entirely.

Comments

Dlee's picture

hi im 14 and i live in Marine

hi im 14 and i live in Marine city MI (a place where theres no lesbians except me) i just recenty came out and its very hard when ur 14. i also loved ur article my email adress white_and_emo@yahoo.com so email me sometime:)

fatefellshort's picture

my god

thats the coolest saying ever. Did you make that up? hehe i like it.

love__x's picture

haha

OMG I lovethat saying, its the best. lol!

WantsOut's picture

Hi ima guy but I think thats

Hi ima guy but I think thats great.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bang Bang Maxwell's silver hammer came down on her head, Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer made sure that she was dead.

CelestialWolf's picture

Love that saying

I am 12 years old and bi. When I was 11, I was sure that I was a les. I was really considering doing the same thing with a t-shirt:)