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Uncertain's picture

Okay, about to write what happened recently.

Well, haven't done much at all to write about lol. My dad got three speeding tickets this month. You might think it's funny, but it's rather scary too. Wow, he even shows off his speeding tickets. *sigh*

Got Sims 2, quite an awesome game. However, I have to run it on my computer in NZ. (I think I mentioned this last time)

Oh, and I asked my dad for eye shadow. His initial response was that he thought I was joking. He said (all dialogue translated from mandarin) "Hah, do you want black or pink eye shadow?". Well, I actually answered him... I replied "Wow, you serious? I love black eye shadow, I was planning on getting black, but pink could look quite good too. It wouldn't hurt to get both and use them at the same time". After that he froze like he was stuck in a freezer for a extended period of time (maybe not that bad, it was a hot day actually, but you get my drift). He was rather angry and disappointed. He kept saying all the negative stuff about it, and saying I could have adopted the 'culture' of the Western world... but he told me not to go "off course" and do stuff like this that would make me look wierd. Then I persisted I wouldn't mind how others might respond. He said he totally opposes it, but I can get it with my own money. He said it with such confidence because he thought I would never use it again after knowing the "bad" public attention it would create for me.

So after he ended his lecture, my dad actually took me to one of his friend's wife to ask where I could get this stuff. I went in and asked her personally... and she was quite shocked when I said I was using it on myself. However, she did go into the details and everything of using it and stuff. (Like where to get it, how many colours, the price, what removal liquid thingie to buy etc.) I thanked her and then we went home.

It was like a week later and dad still hasn't taken me to get the eye shadow yet. Hope was dimming away. Oh well. I was planning on getting black and light purple.

Oh, and also... I bought some new clothes recently. I found I had a 'attraction' towards black stuff lol. I got black caps, black shirts, black vests, grey jeans. I'm not going into comformity shit or anything... I just really think it looks quite good on myself.

So uh, mum took us to Tai-Chung today. We basically just ate lunch and I bought a new book. It's "A Home at the End of the World" by Michael Cunningham. I still haven't started reading yet, beacause my attention is mostly sucked in from another fascinating book I started reading today - Memoirs of a Geisha. The plot and everything is just so intruiging. I read over 100 pages today, and for a slow impatient reader like me... I think that's really an achievement.

After that, mum took us home. While sis was taking the dog for a walk... mum addressed the "issue" we talked about. I told her I like guys, but she insisted that I am confusing friendships with relationships and she said everybody needs to have resistance to pressure (implying I don't have any, actually I don't see the relevance between whether having resistance to pressure or not and whether being gay or not). Actually, I won't even fucking go there again. The harder I try, the more they're trying to shove me back in my closet. My sister already did. A while later, my sister took the dog back from the walk... then my mum and I just pretended nothing ever happened.

Dad got home after taking my brother back from tutoring. He invited mum to come to dinner with us (my parents are divorced FYI), so mum came with us. During dinner I was having a massive headache, so I wasn't talking most of the time. Then dad was mentioning me wanting to get eye shadow in front of mum. There's this awkwardness for a while. Mum probably thought this had something to do with my sexuality and she kept saying not to get it, disallowing it in front of her, and telling me not to get that kind of stuff, blah blah blah. My dad even said to me personally "Don't make me end up having two daughters and one son". Then in front of everyone, dad said "if you wear that 'crap', I'll just pretend I never knew you (while you wear it -I hope-)", then my sister said "me too", then the rest of family just sounded like echoes. I half whispered "you guys suck", thinking it's only make up they're not accepting... what will they think of me when I 'come home' with a guy?

So uh, that's basically it. After taking panadol my headache pretty much subsided. I got some really good ideas for my story recently, and I also installed the inputting chinese thing so I can continue with my story (finally). Well, that's it basically... gona go now!

Also checked out some Slash, I love Gon and Killua from Hunter x Hunter.. Mmm... thanks for Kang Lin for suggesting!

P.S. Dad is having a fuss with my hair growing long lately. He really thinks I need to cut it. I shuld probably keep the back and cut some of the front. Blah, I like longer hair.

Cyah Peeps.


Rosebud_flowers's picture

Thats ridiculous he would "di

Thats ridiculous he would "disown" you just for wearing make-up. And thats kind of an obscure thought to think you're confusing friendships with relationships with males. I've never heard that one before. I don't know what you should do, if it were me I would just do it and get it; however that could endanger your relationship between you and your parents and start a big war or something. I'm sorry your family is that way :-(
Memoirs of a Geisha looks really good. I want to see that movie.

devildog's picture

I'm sorry you're family is ha

I'm sorry you're family is having a hard time accepting you, that sucks your father said that. I guess the only hope is that your mom is at least addressing the issue with you privately, even though she still seems to be denying it-hopefully she'll come around.

It's so awful how society pressures you into gender conformity; all my life I've been fighting the stereotypes about girls because it makes me mad when people say I can't do something based not on me but on preset standards outside my control. So my advice is just be true to yourself and dont' listen to them!


I find there's glamour
In being a wallflower
With a stammer
I love what I am
And you won't change me
So take me how I am

cayde's picture

Welcome back

At least your mom listened to you, however don't accept or do things just to please your parents. Be who you want to be and convince them to accept who you are.

You might want to re-evaluate your situation with your dad. You might want to put this on hold, if there is a risk of being penalized financially or in other ways. Although your priority is to discover yourself at this stage, but it shouldn't entail any suffering.

Take care,

raining men's picture


Unlucky with your mom. While she seems to have acknowledged the 'issue' she is drowining in a load of crap she has now idea about. She accepts there's something though, that makes progress. I agree with your idea - stay the fuck away from there for a while. let her continue to deal with it. Don't hide your sexuality from her though - she needs to know what you are, but don't talk to her about it.

P.S Nice taste in eyeshadow

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"

toblerone's picture

Wow! Uncertain!! Long time no

Wow! Uncertain!! Long time no see/read your journal, and you are already so upfront with dad?? Did you...come out to him? sorry i haven't been able to follow any of your diary entries, but I've heard a lot of good things about them from other Oasians! And good on you for coming out to your sister!

PS. I still have your letter to Lowell! I'll post it off when I get to the States!

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