Every once in a while, I get word that someone or other doesn't believe I am a lesbian. Sometimes they are no one of any consequence, sometimes they are good friends. Apparently, everyone else knows better than I. It gets to me. I try not to let it, but invariably, it does. It penetrates my defenses. It makes me begin to doubt my lesbianism for the umpteenth time. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I know that their opinion truly does not matter in this case. But I can't help but think, what if they are right? What if, I really am just as confused as everyone seems to think. For months now, I have been sure that I am a lesbian, then I hear word that some random people were talking about me and about how I am so not a lesbian, and I am right back where I was three years ago. Unsure and confused.
Matters become even more complicated when I hung out with Brian K last night. Emotionally, I am definitely attracted to him. As friends, yes. Sometimes, affection gets confused in my mind and it becomes lust. Just for a little while. As much as I don't want it to, this confusion causes me to think twice about my declared lesbianism even more.
I don't know if this will ever be settled. There is no category for me. Not right this moment. I am about 95% attracted to women. Once in a while, some guy comes along who reaches me on an emotional level, and I think, maybe I can have a normal life. So I try. And I fail. But that 5% makes me doubt. It makes me confused. It makes me go through the process of figuring out my sexuality all over again. But I am always led back to lesbian. Eventually, I make it back to exactly where I had left.