Deliberating

extreme447's picture

Every once in a while, I get word that someone or other doesn't believe I am a lesbian. Sometimes they are no one of any consequence, sometimes they are good friends. Apparently, everyone else knows better than I. It gets to me. I try not to let it, but invariably, it does. It penetrates my defenses. It makes me begin to doubt my lesbianism for the umpteenth time. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I know that their opinion truly does not matter in this case. But I can't help but think, what if they are right? What if, I really am just as confused as everyone seems to think. For months now, I have been sure that I am a lesbian, then I hear word that some random people were talking about me and about how I am so not a lesbian, and I am right back where I was three years ago. Unsure and confused.

Matters become even more complicated when I hung out with Brian K last night. Emotionally, I am definitely attracted to him. As friends, yes. Sometimes, affection gets confused in my mind and it becomes lust. Just for a little while. As much as I don't want it to, this confusion causes me to think twice about my declared lesbianism even more.

I don't know if this will ever be settled. There is no category for me. Not right this moment. I am about 95% attracted to women. Once in a while, some guy comes along who reaches me on an emotional level, and I think, maybe I can have a normal life. So I try. And I fail. But that 5% makes me doubt. It makes me confused. It makes me go through the process of figuring out my sexuality all over again. But I am always led back to lesbian. Eventually, I make it back to exactly where I had left.

Comments

the mouse that roared's picture

hmm

I've also recently gotten more questioning-y than I have in a while. I mean, I haven't labeled myself a lesbian, more like bi with a female preference, but I kind of settled down about it and stopped thinking about it so much. But the past few days I've gotten much more confused about it all... I wish it would stop.

You know, you can still label yourself gay if you want, even if sometimes you are somewhat attracted to guys. The general result is that you are gay. Most gay people are not 100%, but are mainly attracted to the same sex. If anyone gives you crap about it later if you start dating a guy, yell at them. You're the one who understands your sexuality better than anyone else, and try not to get too tangled in labels.

*Panic about labels attack! Goes off and eats my words...*

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

ACCgirl's picture

well

I'll say to you what I'm constantly saying to myself: Do. Not. Worry. About. Labels.

They're too rigid and the people around you will tend to take them for gospel. Which isn't good, in case some human being with a gender other than the one you've declared yourself restricted to comes along and turns your head. If you like Brian, you like Brian. Labels have nothing to do with this.

Take it person by person, and let your heart tell you who you are. Experience will help clear up things eventually. As for the gossipers...compared to you, they can't possibly know the tiniest fraction of who you are. They're just noise in the background, so don't grace them with speculation.

Easier said than done, I know. Good luck, and keep your chin up. It's okay to be unsure.