I Need a New Life, Because I'm in a Blizzard

devildog's picture

People may think living is simple, but it is so complicated (at least for me). Life is a habit, and I've forgotten the steps. I'm still not back in school, because whenever I think of school, do homework, or go on campus I hurt myself. It sickened me when I did it (nail clippers), I felt like I had dirtied myself with a weakness I couldn't get rid of. The school councilor made me sign a contract that if I thought about hurting myself I would tell someone first, and to never do it again. So far it's worked, even though I really want to do it at times. But when I make a promise, it's really hard for me to break it.

The scars are almost gone. I look at them to remind myself not to do it again, how ugly it is. No wonder, I'm a masochist. My sister the other day asked me, "How would you torture someone?" I didn't know, and she said, "You're the type of person more likely to torture yourself." She's amazingly perceptive, and she's only fourteen. Well, almost fifteen now. God, she's getting old.

Anyway, I do feel like I'm slowly getting better; for a while I was really depressed as I withdrew off my last medication, but now I'm pretty much fully onto the new one. Having a good psychiatrist is pretty awesome. My last one was psychotic.

I haven't been doing much, not seeing people much. Every day I go on the net, watch movies, write, read, listen to music; relax. I haven't relaxed in over six years, and I'm not kidding. Every summer it's off to England! Months of misery at the hands of my father and his egotistical girlfriend. I honestly don't consider him family anymore, he's just something I have to deal with. And that's incredibly sad, but it's healthy-when I tried to initiate a relationship with him I fell down deep into despair when I realized my father was not capable of being a father. You cannot choose your parents, but you can learn ways to cope with them.

It's not fair I have to go through this; last time I did I went to school, and I don't want to go through that ever again, because that was the worst time of my life. I don't even like to think about it. I would much rather stay home where no one can hurt me, and watch Miyazaki films.

I've been back to learning manga again. I try so hard, but I can't seem to get it right. Perspective is a bitch, man! Practise makes perfect, though *rolls eyes*. I've even been writing a graphic novel script, but that's a work in progress. For now I'm making sketches upon sketches of heads, arms, necks, everything I can think of. It's fun to finally ink it in and see the result.

Throughout all this, I've pretty much forgot that I'm gay, just like when you're straight you forget that you're straight. I check out women, but somehow I don't care as much. When I first came out I tried to empower myself, asserting myself, but now I present the world with a shrug. So what, I love women; I've got other things to worry about. I don't even want to label myself anymore, I'm done. I just want to be myself, and those who condemn me can do so somewhere else, because I have no time for people like that.

*sigh* I think my new avatar pretty much expresses my mood right now; tired, beaten, and trying to recuperate.

~Sam

Comments

Inkblot's picture

Hug

It's ok. *pats you on the back* relaxing is good for you. Be well, and may the force be with you.

And all I know for sure
All I know for real
Is knowing doesn't mean so much
When placed against the feeling
The heat inside
When bodies meet
When fingers touch
-The Sisters Of Mercy, Some Kind Of Stranger

devildog's picture

LOL, thanks:) ~*~*~*~*~*~

LOL, thanks:)

~*~*~*~*~*~

I find there's glamour
In being a wallflower
With a stammer
I love what I am
And you won't change me
So take me how I am
Baby!
-Momus

somethingofvalue's picture

Everyone needs to relax, hon.

Everyone needs to relax, hon. *Sends hugs* I'm glad you've stopped hurting yourself. I used to do that, too. But don't see your scars as ugly - look at them as marks from battle - the battle you're doing with life - one that you're now winning. That's the important part. Remind yourself that those are the last scars you'll ever give yourself, and be happy for that. I know where you're at. Send me a message if you ever need to talk - I sign on usually at least once a day. *Sends more hugs*

~Kry

devildog's picture

Thanks:) ~*~*~*~*~*~ I

Thanks:)

~*~*~*~*~*~

I find there's glamour
In being a wallflower
With a stammer
I love what I am
And you won't change me
So take me how I am
Baby!
-Momus

Icarus's picture

*big anime eyes* glad you're

*big anime eyes* glad you're back, it got really boring without you!!

"Who's going to buy a used dog?!?"

devildog's picture

Aw, thanks! ~*~*~*~*~*~

Aw, thanks!

~*~*~*~*~*~

I find there's glamour
In being a wallflower
With a stammer
I love what I am
And you won't change me
So take me how I am
Baby!
-Momus