I think I'm stupid

analyticallyinclined's picture

I feel like I am exposing myself. I don’t like the feeling, I feel scared every time I think about everyone finding out about me here in this small town.

That freshman just has his way of toying with me. Ha, it seems every time I write here it’s about that freshman.

He sat at my table at lunch today, with a couple of his friends. I like to sit alone, but recently these two people I don’t like, cause there basically losers, have been sitting at my table.

Don’t be yelling at me for calling people losers either, I don’t think I am a loser, I think I have great potential for a future too (one reasons I don’t really care for the people that were at my table, I don’t think there going to have a future.) So even though I am constantly surrounded by people I usually and mostly don’t want to be around ( I am in a special ed seminar and have assistance when needed so naturally I am usually with the speds and can be assumed one) I usually deal with it. But at lunch its all about friends. I don’t’ really have any, and it seems my best friend is falling short of everything he once was, if he ever was. So I like to sit alone and watch everyone around me.

Its great to be able to see their normalcy. Watch it spread across their faces as they chat with their friends, smiling and eating. Its great to see that and know that there is such potential for me and everyone and everything. But at the same time I feel like when I watch them, I’m watching them because I want to see what I’ll never have.

Well like I said he sat at my table. It was really surprising because I like him. I mean come on, I’m me and I can think of a lot of dirt to say about myself, enough to make anyone not want to meet or know me. Most of all I’m ugly, and I don’t care if you say I have inner beauty, because that’s not going to get me anywhere if people don’t want to talk to me and I never talk to them. He’s so beautiful and popular, and on the wrestling team, and got all these friends. Its like he’s living a perfect preppie boy life. Something that I will never have.

And he sits at MY table. Even more surprising because there are two losers sitting with me, people I consider to be even worse than me, and that’s saying something, just believe me, especially seeing as how I think lowly of myself in the first place.

He just wanted some fun it seems. He asked me questions like have I jacked off at all recently. He’s done this before, so I am used to it by now. He told one of his friend about how I had burnt down a dog house when I was little because I wanted to read a comic by candle light in it and it was filled with hay and I lost the candle after I lit it. Then I had to explain about that.

Near the end he and his friends managed to scare of the other two people sitting at my table, one girl and one boy, both people I never wanted to associate with. I thanked them. We had some time along all of us and I talked with them. It was nice.

Then it was over so quick. It was special to me, the highlight of my day.

Getting to see him smile, and move, to exist is always something apparently special to me. And I hate it at the same time. Because every time I feel like I’m being played. I feel like he comes to me only to make me look bad, I mean for instance, I have no problem talking about my masturbatory habits with people, no problem. Though I don’t think its going to get me anywhere positive unless its dealt with in a serious matter.

I wanna be friends with him cause I like him, but he’s out of my league, period. So I don’t know why he will do things like this, just talking to me in general can be a negative thing for his rep, at least that’s what I’d figure.

So I sent him an email:

I mainly wanted to say thanks for sitting at my table, and scaring off ------and ------. I don't like to be associated with them. Not really anyways. I don't think they have hope for a good future, but I believe a different story for me. If that tells you why I don't want to be associated with them anyways.
But why did you sit at my table today? Why? I just wanna know? Could asking possibly cause me harm? It's not that I don't want ya to sit at my table, this just ties in with something else I've been meaning to ask/tell you.
I wanna know why you bother with me? Why do you do anything at all? Talk to me at work? Say hi in school? Sit at my table? Tease me over the internet? I wanna know why?
I ask simply because It's really hard for me to believe, VERY HARD TO BELIEVE, that someone especially a person like you (i.e. popular, cool, studly, on the wrestling team, get my way with all the ladies type a guy;) would take any amount of interest in ME (i.e. fat and definitly not p.h.a.t, couldn't even get a GUY or GIRL if he wanted one, ugly, stupid, can't even fit a size thirty two, do goodie nobody type of guy?)
It's not that I don't want your company whenever I manage to have it, its simply that I think it a strong possibility that you're giving me company for all the wrong reasons. You said it yourself ------ (after I asked of course) you're a daredevilish prankster.
I think it's a very strong possibility that you may be out to, I don't know, put an even worse name on me then I've already created for myself. I really don't know what your ideas are, I’m just have a really difficult time believing whether your nice to me whenever because you just want to be nice to me or for something else entirely.
Here's where, I guess, it gets kinda tricky. I want you to tell me why. I REALLY WANNA KNOW because, basically, I don't want to take the time if your not being sincere. I don't wanna hang with someone whose out to do something mean. Basically.
I gave you the short version cause I know you probably are really getting annoyed at reading this gay bois letter :P
Hope to get a response.

P.S. I will keep sending you this until I do.

And then, after I had sent it, I felt even worse, cause I feel like I’m giving myself up to him, and I don’t think that’s what I want. Cause I just don’t think he’s the right person, it’s a feeling only a feeling, but a feeling is a feeling, and the odds are against me in the first place, getting anywhere with him I mean. Yet I still try.

Maybe its because I am desperate. So desperate for someone, for a connection with someone. Something I can’t get from an invisible God I don’t even know.

Either way, I think its help in the most of ways prove my stupidity.