Lalalala, back from Taipei trip.

Uncertain's picture

Okido~ Um... Yeah, pretty much what the title says. I'm back to Tou Lio after staying at my Aunt's place to see this Ice Skating (Holiday On Ice) show.

On Saturday, before we went and saw the show... we ate at this restuarant that was "western-styled", like, it created a cowboy atmosphere and stuff. Every one of those waiters and waiteresses have to wear these cowboy outfits. Meh, and then this REALLY hawt looking waiter was serving our table. I mean, holy hell.. I can't keep my eyes off him afraid that he'll disappear. His tight ass is defined thru the tight jeans(?). And he's got the nicest smile, hair and uh.. everything. Well, actually I don't know why... but then I suddenly have this thought that all these guys I find attractive, will most likely... never be able to repay the same sort of affection I have for them. Again this cold feeling rushed thru me once more. I had no idea how to put a name to this feeling... I duno, I felt very sad right there on the spot. I have no mood for the food, and uh anything else. I ate little, which was something I never do unless I'm sick. Everyone realised I wasn't being myself. I kept my cap low across my face, and swatted tiny tears that appeared at the edge of my eyes. In the end when I think I'm going to have some kind of breakdown I had to excuse myself to go to the toilet. Everybody stared at me leave. I could hear my Aunt say to my dad "I think you should really find out what's wrong". At the same time I can see my sister get up saying she also needs to use the toilet. Half way there, my sis asked me what's wrong... It wasn't the nicest of me to respond to her by saying "nothing" but I can't hold myself together much longer. I went into the cubicle, and stayed there. Hell, I had no idea how long I stayed there for. I have so many of these memeories and thoughts that just bombarded me. Soon my dad even came to the toilet to ask me if I'm alright. I suppose my family does love me, but again these thoughts gushed though my head again telling me the person I present to them which they love isn't my real self. And all this other shit.

I went back to the dining table. I felt I was by myself, all alone, and I was going thru crazy imaginations... I could almost see the sharp kitchenware running along my wrist... or something or the other. Soon it was time to go, and the same waiter came up to us, filled our drinks, and presented us the final cost of the things we ordered and some lollies. I accidentally took two, and threw one back. I had no idea what type of lolly it is, so I flipped to the back to see if I could find something. To my surprise, this was printed on the back:
"Remember, you're not alone"
I mean, I was feeling so depressed, enclosed, and 'alone'. Then this single lolly wrapper just said something to me I just most needed to hear. I checked the back of the lolly I threw back, and many other lollies, but they all have different stuff printed on them. Although I know having this specific lolly is a perfect coincidence, but it's effects have far surpassed the role and purpose of just satisfying my taste buds. I even have the lolly with me now, I didn't open it. Nowhere on the lolly did it say what type of lolly it is, so I still don't know.

Okay, so we went and saw the ice skating show. It was amaazing, the techniques, grace, and movement. I didn't want it to end.

Then the next day, I went home. After getting home quite late at night.. - and tired, I can't believe what I did. I immediately tidied our extremely messy junk pile that was supposed to be our living room. The thought of tidying it came at an instant when I walked through the door, I didn't plan for it - nothing. I just tidied it. Everyone was surprised. I did a pretty good job of it, considering my siblings are watching TV upstairs and dad is reading his mails and magazines. Dad said "Have you taken wrong medication today?", of course I didn't take any medication, but it's a 'mandarin saying' that is referring to a person acting different than what they ususally are. However, dad was very pleased with me. There is so much crap everywhere, like 3 year old biscuits that has spider web stuck to them, and lots of scrap paper, broken conditioning oil, like 30 carboard boxes, 10 school bags and bah, God knows what else... just so much crap. However, I did find some rewarding stuff, like my camera I lost 3 years ago, a Father's Day letter my sis, bro and I wrote (with a family in there, I haven't seen a pic of my boyhood self for ages), 6 photo albums, and heaps of pens and stuff. The whole weekend for me couldn't have been wierder.

So today is Monday, and I finally was able to talk to Lowell on AIM again. I was missing him so much, because he was unable to talk to me for a while. This probably contributed to my sadness at the resturant... I thought he didn't like me anymore so he didn't respond to my IMs. I mean, I thought that he lives in a pro-gay state, and he would achieve so much more out there in real life than talking to a gay guy on the other side of the world thru graphical text which probably wouldn't mean the slightest to him. It's all very selfish of me to think all that, but I can't help but wonder. I'm glad he was able to tell me today that his parents disallowed him to talk to strangers. I understand, and still loved him as a friend like I always did.

Okay, so uh... that's basically it really. I found pics of Jesse McCartney, and um.. talked to Shiningarmourz and a guy from chadzboyz. Nothing much happened other than that. Oh, I also talked to my brother's english teacher (I'm in Taiwan, remember). She's Canadian. I was reading a book while he was tutoring my brother, and she asked to see the book I was reading. It's "Home at the End of the Worl", which is about a gay guy and his boyhood friend Bobby and their life with a roommate called Clare in New York city. She was surprised that a teenager would read something with gayness and marriage as the main theme of the book. She asked "Won't you think the topic is a bit adult for you?" I told her that at least I understand the book. She wanted to buy the book off me to read it herself after I finished.

I actually thought my brother's English teacher wouldn't be that interested in the book, because last time in class... she said something about her new laptop's interface, saying "it's so gay". I could tell she was trying to comform to teenagers way of speech in front of me. If it weren't for respect, I would have blurted out "Yeah, I feel totally sorry that your Apple computer fell in love with another Apple computer of the same gender. How about you disown it so I can have it?". After all, I can still see that she's a nice person. She just thought she will communicate with me better if she acted like a teenager herself.

Well, that's it really. I duno if any of that made sense. I hope to clarify better. But dad is gona be home from a late night's work in any moment. I would hope to get off before he does. Cyah guys!

P.S. Going to see sakura trees on Sunday. I'm going to use my eye shadow for my first time! I suppose eyeliner would be a little more subtle than eye shadow. Maybe I should have gotten eyeliner. Uh, actually is there a different between eye shadow and eyeliner? Eye shadow is probably on the eyelids and below the eyes, and eyeliner is around the rim of the eyes right?

P.S.S. Okay, dad did come home while I'm proofreading this. His mood is okay. He just asked me to hang the newly washed clothes. Well, time to go. Cyah!

Comments

raining men's picture

Don't worry

Don't worry about random depression bouts. They always happen. Being gay does make it one helluva a lot harder to find someone to return affection. But they do exist, somewhere (if you find where tell me please)

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"

devildog's picture

I feel depressed sometimes to

I feel depressed sometimes too, that most of the female population will never be able to return my feelings. It's so lonely, because I really love and respect women so much, and am proud to be one. But I do believe that we'll all find someone, someday, once we get out into the world.

And to answer your question; eyeshadow is for your eyelids, and eyeliner is for the very edge of your top lid and on the very edge of your bottom, to give your eyes more definition. LOL, I watch a lot of makeover shows.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I find there's glamour
In being a wallflower
With a stammer
I love what I am
And you won't change me
So take me how I am
Baby!
-Momus

the mouse that roared's picture

What you said made sense to m

What you said made sense to me--I've felt depressed that way before. It's hard, being attracted to people that mostly won't be able to return your feelings or even know that you're attracted to them. It hurts sometimes, too.

If it's any comfort, I liked your descriptions--I felt like I was in your shoes, seeing and feeling what you were experiencing throughout your day. The lollipop thing was cool, too--it sounds almost too convenient to be true. Sometimes those extraordinary experiences are the best ones, though.

Your family does love you, and they love you for who you are, at least, as much as they know of you. They will not stop loving you if you tell them you're gay. They care about you. You have no way of knowing how they'll react till you tell them, and parents almost always come around. They're your family!

Well, have fun keeping on cleaning up your family's house...

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

tiny_'s picture

it's very true... you are not

it's very true... you are not alone. but it often feels that way, doesn't it? walking the halls at school, hearing the comments "there's the faggot, she's the lesbian..." perhaps you're lucky enough not to hear them. but i do, and they do make you feel quite alone.
hang in there. and years of therapy has taught me that no knife to my wrist is going to solve anything. i hope you learn the same.
my AIM is on my info - give me a ring if you'd like.

xx
sometimes things just are