This has esaily been one of the worst weeks of my life. First off, my dad is fuckin' driving me insane. He has been calling me 60+ yes 60+ times a day! I'm so fuckin pissed at him. All he ever does is yell at me and threaten me and tell me shit about how if he weren't sick he'd go back and kill everyone who ever betrayed him. It fuckin' pisses me off.
On top of my dad's mental problems and all of my father's family's bullshit, I am going insane. Partially due to school, partially due to my sexuality and partially due to my bi-polar disorder.
Ok, so all semester, I have been struggling due to issues w/ myself , my dad & my memories of my father's family. Because of all of the b/s that makes up my life, my gpa has fallen from a 3.6 to around a 2.5! That's in one fucking semester!
So- I finally decided to go to my school counselor and request to drop either ap history or my spanish class. He ssuggested that instead of dropping a class, I should let my teachers know what's going on. Yeah right! I don't fucking trust anyone else, especially my school counselor. I can't trust my mom, cause she blabs, I can't trust my sister, and I can't trust my counselor. Or my friends, because in reality, I have none.
So- my counselor wants me to not only tell my teachers everything, but on top of that, he wants me to come in once or twice a week to tell him how I'm doing. Like anything's gonna get better talking to a fucking moron like him.
Finals are also in two weeks and I can't remember a damn thing. I've been trying, honestly to keep my grades up, but due to everything, some of which I haven't told anyone, cause I can't, I'm going insane and I can't remember a damn thing that I learn. Fuck, I am so fucking screweed.....
Soorry if I'm just ranting about this week, but I am slightly intoxicated and depressed right now. Anyways, all fuckin week all that's been happening is continuing depreassion and bad/angry feelings towards people and stuff. A girlin my science class keeps talking about how I hate my life and how I'm always depressed and shit during class and the other day, I almost yelleed at the bitch , wanting to scream " der, I hate my life, I'm PTSD, Bi-polar and gay... I hate everything about my life..." But of course, if I said that shit , then everyone would know thqat I am crazy and depressed and shit.
On top of that, all week, I have heard nothin' but a bunch of homo jokes pointed @ me ffrom assholes in my weigth training class. I know that their jokin' and I too am guilty of makin gay jokes to hide my own sexuality( sorta, I mean, who doesn't make gay jokes in this day and age?) God the f-in alcohol is getting to me now. Hell of a night to be wasted. It's already 1:15 in the morning. Shit!
Anyway, I can't come out to my mom, I can't tell anyone the reality of my father's family and the shit they did, I am fucked on my grades for this semester and I am still suicidal. On top of that shit, tonight after my sister and I got back from seeing underworld:evolution, my mom got home and she started talking to me and my sister and when I was not feeling like cleaning up the floor in the kitchen, my mom started talking about the family that I will have and how if I am going to be like this when I'm a father, th4en she pitys my wife and kids. She started talking about how she expects a wife and grandkids from me and I was like; Fuck. She wants grandkids. She knows I can't even really have sex due to diabetes issues and she's talking like I'm gonna have a family of kids and a wife. Fuck, my mom can be really depressing to be around sometoimes. I jus wanted to scream " I'm gay and I can't even have sex, abandon any hope you had of grandchildren from my end" But I didn't. Anyways that got me really depressed and I am finally drinking the beer that has beemn sitting in my closet since crhistmas.
Anyway, nothin ever changes fro me. Life fuckin' suckss! I'd drown my problems more often, but I have limited access to alcohol and I used about a years' worth of it tonight. I wish I had a fuckin' social life, but all my friends somehow know I' m gay, though I certainly haven't given them anything to go by other than the fact that I'm in high school and don't have a girlfriend.
If life keeps going on like this and I don't get any anti-depressants or mood stabilizers or somethin' like that, I will probably end out comitting suicide and pulling the fucking trigger. Sorry for botherin' you guys with all the bull of my life, but I kinda had to say somethin' to someone. Anyways, first journal, also probably one of my most depressing ones. Hope your'e lives are goin better than mine. Peaxce