"This is ridiculous! I'm a lesbian!" Or, my great and terrible idiocy

the mouse that roared's picture

So I got asked to the semi on Thursday. It was the first time anyone's asked me on a date. I got asked out for the second time on Friday. Both of them were boys, both of them I am not very attracted to, and I said yes to both of them. How dumb can I get?

We'll call the first guy Don. He's tall and not very physically attractive, which wouldn't be a problem if he had a cool personality and I liked spending time with him, but I don't. I don't like hanging out with him at all. I should have said no and just gone to the semi with my friends, but I felt bad for him. OK, I just didn't know how to say no, and it felt nice to be asked out for once. I mean, do you refuse the first person that ever asks you on a date?

Well, I suppose I should have. I wouldn't date him even if he were a girl. After he asked me out, my stomach twisted up nervously just thinking of how I could possibly handle a date with him. I kept thinking, "This is ridiculous! I'm a lesbian!" and wondering what my chances would be with other girls at my school if they saw me on a date with a guy. I said yes with a surprised "what the heck" attitude, but I regretted it pretty soon after.

The other guy is "Andy." He's a regular at the contra dance scene, and we've started talking and getting to know each other at the dances. He dances with me a lot, and he dated an acquaintance of mine a few weeks ago, but it didn't work out. He's very flirty, and it's fun to flirt with him, but I guess I was hoping he wasn't serious. A few weeks ago, he asked, "I can be flirty and you know I'm not coming on to you, right?" and I said sure, relieved that he wasn't, in fact, coming on to me. But the past week or so he's hung out with me more, and my friend Alan had mentioned how much he dances with me with an odd tone of voice. I guess he saw it more than I did, probably because I didn't want to see that Andy's hanging out with me so much just because he's attracted to me. He's a cool guy and an interesting person to talk to, but I don't feel physically attracted to him.

So last night at the dance, he asked for the last waltz, and I obliged him. Andy has this thing of sometimes touching foreheads and faces when he's dancing with someone, and he was doing that on and off with me. It's kind of fun and kind of weird to do it. The person's eyes are so close to yours that they're big and out of focus, and facial features become almost as indistinct as your own face. Your mouth is almost close enough to the other person's to kiss them...

When you're leading your partner in a waltz, though, you need to be able to see where you're going so you don't bump in to people, but a few minutes after Andy tried the touching-faces thing with me the first time, he did it again, saying he didn't care. He would touch foreheads with me for a bit, with our arms wrapped around each other, and then go back into regular waltz position, with our heads apart from each other and hands held together out to the sides. Once, when our faces were touching, our faces slid a bit sideways, making my lips almost touch his in a looming wetness. But then he pulled away, and we started dancing again. I guess I felt kind of neutral about it. At the end of the dance he gave me a hug--his hugs are really cozy--and said we should do something together sometime. And I said, "That would be nice." I'm calling him this week to set up a time next weekend.

I don't think before I respond to people, I just say "yes" and whatever other positive thing I can. How dumb can I get? I'm not attracted to either of these guys. I mean, sometimes I find a guy attractive, and I'd like to get to know Andy better, but not in this way, just as a friend. I already know it's not going to work for me, I don't need to try it. But I already said yes. My sexual undefinedness leaves me more open to saying yes without thinking than if I was sure I was gay. After Dan asked me, I had been sure I was lesbian, but then I said yes to Andy, too. I don't konw if I should tell Andy the truth right away or after our first date. Will he think I'm just making up excuses if I say I'm gay? Am I using my mostly-gayness as an excuse for my lack of attraction to most guys, instead of a more gender-free look at things?

I guess I feel pretty stupid and pretty nervous and trapped, and I don't know what to do. I've always been worried about leading guys on, and now I am, and look where it's gotten me.

Comments

devildog's picture

I'm sorry things spiraled so

I'm sorry things spiraled so out of control! But when I think about it, there are two options. You continue leading them on, but that would just leave you feeling deceptive and guilty. The other is to tell them the truth, that you just want to be friends with them. You can bring up that your gay, but that's up to you. Try being as nice about it as possible, and not leave them on a sad note. I think this would be better for all of you, because if you continue further then tell them they'll end up being more hurt.

I hope things work out!

~Sam

~*~*~*~*~*~

I find there's glamour
In being a wallflower
With a stammer
I love what I am
And you won't change me
So take me how I am
Baby!
-Momus

the mouse that roared's picture

Thanks :)

That makes sense--it's going to have to come out sooner or later that I'm not into them, and the sooner I tell them, the better it is for everyone involved. I'll probably still end up going to the semi with Don--it's a bit too late to back out now. I'll just mention casually to him beforehand about how nice it is to have a friend to go with.

About Andy--I can tell him that I just want to be friends, but my dad also might not let me date him anyway, because he's nineteen, a sophomore in college, and my parents don't know him. Which would be a relief on all counts... I could tell him I'm gay, I mean maybe he'd spread it around a bit with the contra dancing community, which wouldn't exactly be a bad thing, but my gayness is not really what my relationship with him is about anyway. Also, I'm not 100% gay, and I haven't quite figured out how I want to label myself, so telling him might not be the best idea...

Right. I'm rambling. Thanks for your reply, it helped a lot!

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

analyticallyinclined's picture

don't fool yourself, what you did was understandable

I think that you were somewhat exited to recieve attention
in the way it was presented to you through the boys.
Attention is always great, it can cause us on occasion, to do things we wouldn't normally do. Like go out with a guy even though were gay (or in my case a girl)
I don't think you should be saying "how dumb could I get?" because in reality its just a date.
I'm not sure if your "out" or not, but it makes things alot easier if you are. I know, even though I'm not out.
If you are, just go on the dates, have a good time (good as possible anyways) and then when you know that time is right just pop it out say your a lesbian, and that when you said yes to going out with them you was simply just looking for a good fun time, nothing serious.
That's what I would do anyways, providing I had the luxury of being out of this gay closet.
and if your not out, I'm sorry I just wasted your time.

Its the little things that make the big things.