I need something, but what that is I do not know. I shouldn't
say that I do not know, because I do to an extent. But what I
don't know is how to go about reaching for this thing. I need
the support of my mother. I need her to believe. She needs to
accept me for me.
Everytime I bring home a new friend, which always happen to
be guys, it becomes an inquisition. "He's not boyfriend material,
is he?" It is as if that's all my mother thinks about. And when
I answer no, she becomes joyful, yet she will not accept the
fact that her little girl is a lesbian.
I avoid the topic of guys and girls with her at all costs, due
to the one and only time I told her that I'm gay and she only
said, "I don't think you are." That's my nightmare. My fear. Is
that all she'll ever believe on the subject? Will she ever let
her fears and disagreement on the subject subside and finally
accept me for me?
I've been wandering my house since my freakout a couple weeks
ago,and all I want her to do is ask, "Are you okay? Are you
sure? You don't seem like you are. Is there anything you want
to talk about?" She asks the first question all the time, but
her tone is telling me 'don't answer that. I don't want to
hear it.' I know my mind is making this more dramatic than it
needs to be, but she never questions me more.
Why can't she be more understanding than she is? Why can't she
be more like my friends on this subject? Why can't she be more
like my siblings on this subject? At least they believe me.
Being able to say, "Yes, I am gay" to random people is a great
joy, but when it comes to my mother and this entire part of my
life, it makes me feel like the pride in myself is more like a
burden. All I want is for her to believe me. Is that too much
to ask for?