Ok so in this entry T=New Therapist S=Old but still my therapist on maternity leave. Lisa=Culinary Teacher/Person that helps me make it through the week and through some confusions. And also thanks in advance to any one who reads this cause i know it is long as i don't know what.
Well i guess i will start by i cried most of the night only cause it is all just getting jumbled inside my brain these thoughtt's feelings i am having. I mean i could have an outlet for them with T my new therapist but. The fact is my other therapist S is on maternity leave she had her baby Tuesday the 31st. But that still doesn't mean she's coming back soon. I just don't wanna open up to T all for then my other therapist to come back so quick then i might be opening up at the same point and never really get T the new therapist's advice or thought's or whatever she might say.
It's just all kinda crazy cause i know that how i felt when my first therapist S went on maternity leave i was so happy for her but then after the fact of her being gone and had to talk to her one day. I felt so kinda hurt cause we finally were getting to certain core issues that she was helping me with. Then it all came to a halt. But then i feel bad for feeling that way because it is a beautiful reason why she had to stop working so far. I guess i just don't wanna open up to T and then want to hear her views or suggestions then it will be that i go back to S. I mean cause S has helped me out so much with things that most of is things she has been the first person to ever hear.
I mean i like T and she seems really cool intresting laid back women. Has something to offer which is help and a point of view that interpret's what i might say diffrently than S did which could help me out hearing two good logical things. From these two diffrent yet kinda similar therapist. T is kinda like S in some regards just seems like a really understanding person but that is only from sitting in a room for like what 20 25 minutes maybe shorter i really don't know. I was just so afraid kinda opening up and then like that i might get such diffrent help from her which would be nice and both points of view would be helpful. Then go to having one form of views from S whenever she returns. I don't know.
I mean part of me is like open up you have nothing to lose maybe more is going to be gained. Then it's like well what if i start to want this other point of view again from T after S comes back. It's just all not making sense cause i jumbled it all in my head. I mean i don't really have to talk to T cause i have my teacher Lisa which i talk to her about alot of personal things and she helps as much as she can but sometimes i understand that S had certain reactions and when i told Lisa the same thing she reacted diffrently maybe cause S understands how to interpret or view what i had told her. I don't know i just know that some of the things i have told T i can never tell Lisa cause they just seem like something that even tough she is open minded may not be able to understand cause she interprets it as does a family member or friend or someone that just isn't a thereapist.
Well i guess i will end this confusing journal here and tell you all who might read it thanks cause it does feel nice to read the comments afterwards. Also i might be showing this entry to T when i meet with her again. Also this is for T if i show this to her that if i decide to open up to you i will explain what this journal site is and why i decide to post on here more than any other. So i hope you can understand my not maybe opening up to you if i choose not to. Plus you are a great women as i can tell from the few minutes i conversated with you. Thanks in advance for dealing with my weirdness.