All The Dilemmas In My Mind :-)

formula_truth_love's picture

Ok so in this entry T=New Therapist S=Old but still my therapist on maternity leave. Lisa=Culinary Teacher/Person that helps me make it through the week and through some confusions. And also thanks in advance to any one who reads this cause i know it is long as i don't know what.

Well i guess i will start by i cried most of the night only cause it is all just getting jumbled inside my brain these thoughtt's feelings i am having. I mean i could have an outlet for them with T my new therapist but. The fact is my other therapist S is on maternity leave she had her baby Tuesday the 31st. But that still doesn't mean she's coming back soon. I just don't wanna open up to T all for then my other therapist to come back so quick then i might be opening up at the same point and never really get T the new therapist's advice or thought's or whatever she might say.

It's just all kinda crazy cause i know that how i felt when my first therapist S went on maternity leave i was so happy for her but then after the fact of her being gone and had to talk to her one day. I felt so kinda hurt cause we finally were getting to certain core issues that she was helping me with. Then it all came to a halt. But then i feel bad for feeling that way because it is a beautiful reason why she had to stop working so far. I guess i just don't wanna open up to T and then want to hear her views or suggestions then it will be that i go back to S. I mean cause S has helped me out so much with things that most of is things she has been the first person to ever hear.

I mean i like T and she seems really cool intresting laid back women. Has something to offer which is help and a point of view that interpret's what i might say diffrently than S did which could help me out hearing two good logical things. From these two diffrent yet kinda similar therapist. T is kinda like S in some regards just seems like a really understanding person but that is only from sitting in a room for like what 20 25 minutes maybe shorter i really don't know. I was just so afraid kinda opening up and then like that i might get such diffrent help from her which would be nice and both points of view would be helpful. Then go to having one form of views from S whenever she returns. I don't know.

I mean part of me is like open up you have nothing to lose maybe more is going to be gained. Then it's like well what if i start to want this other point of view again from T after S comes back. It's just all not making sense cause i jumbled it all in my head. I mean i don't really have to talk to T cause i have my teacher Lisa which i talk to her about alot of personal things and she helps as much as she can but sometimes i understand that S had certain reactions and when i told Lisa the same thing she reacted diffrently maybe cause S understands how to interpret or view what i had told her. I don't know i just know that some of the things i have told T i can never tell Lisa cause they just seem like something that even tough she is open minded may not be able to understand cause she interprets it as does a family member or friend or someone that just isn't a thereapist.

Well i guess i will end this confusing journal here and tell you all who might read it thanks cause it does feel nice to read the comments afterwards. Also i might be showing this entry to T when i meet with her again. Also this is for T if i show this to her that if i decide to open up to you i will explain what this journal site is and why i decide to post on here more than any other. So i hope you can understand my not maybe opening up to you if i choose not to. Plus you are a great women as i can tell from the few minutes i conversated with you. Thanks in advance for dealing with my weirdness.


the mouse that roared's picture

calm down, hun :)

Don't worry about it so much. If you feel like opening up to T, then do it--you don't have anything to lose. Don't stay quiet because you're afraid of liking her and then losing her. If you don't say anything, you won't get anything out of it. Give T a try. It sounds like you like her, and she could still be helpful in the time that you have.

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser