New Meat

Palmtreechick14's picture

Well I just joined this site. I don't particularly like palm trees, I mean they're pretty, but I couldn't think of a username and I was looking at the Oasismag logo while I tried to think of one.

So anyway. Me. I have a lot to say. I just need to get it out.

Well, I realised I was a bi about three years ago (wow that long already?!). I just came out in December, 2005. I dropped a few hints and then came right out and said it. Just so it might not be too much of a shock. It worked, they all accept me still. I guess it helps that I have kooky friends, they are great people who accept everything. We're that group in every school that looks like we were half-way to going goth and then just stopped and became a nameless group that fits several stereotypes. Anyway I'm starting to ramble.

After telling people I'm a bi, I started to lose feelings for every guy I've ever had a crush on (and there must be hundreds). I started to think I'm just gay. It was so confusing, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't think of who to talk to - my all-accepting friends could change, my parents still think I'm straight (and will for a long time I'm sure), the guidance councellor wouldn't know where to start... So I was lost. I broke up with my boyfriend and started cutting. I still have the scars.

But recently I realised that I have plenty of time to figure out my exact sexuality. I regained feelings for my boyfriend and stopped cutting. And now I'm back with him and I think I even love him...

But there's still this nagging inside. It's like a part of me is pressuring me to figure out - gay or bi? It's not like anyone else knows about the raging war inside my head, no one asking me daily if I "know" yet. But I feel like there is. Like I'm lying to everyone who thinks I'm sure. Because I'm really not, and it bothers me. I was always positive about everything, and suddenly I've been plunged into uncertainty about who I am. Has anyone else felt this? I'm sure there are others out there like me. I need advice, or even just a debate-ish-type conversation with someone.

Comments

the mouse that roared's picture

Welcome :)

Pretty much everyone here has gone through a similar panic about labeling their sexuality. I have, at least, and I still do. I'm semi-out as bi with a female preference, but I really have no idea how to label myself. When I come out to people that don't know me as well, I'll just say I'm bi. I figure it leaves all my options open, and is probably the best-fitting label.

Remember that a label is just that: a label. It's just a name for a category. It serves the functional purpose of categorizing, but it is not a definition of who you are. People use labels as a popular, public function of description. Your own uncertainty has as much or as little to do with your label as you want it to have. The whole world doesn't have to know you're not sure. If you change, you change. If you need time away from your boyfriend to sort yourself out, you do. It's really hard when you're worked up about it, but try not to worry about it so much. You were on the right track when you realized that.

Pmail me if you ever want to talk.

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser