That was it..?

Y - GuRl's picture

I haven't written for a while because I wanted to stop myself from whining about being a closet case. So I came out, I actually did it, not as great as I imagined.. but I'm not sure of what I was expecting exactly. Two weekends ago, I came out to Timmy on a Sunday night. I thought I would've rushed onto oasis and announced my coming out.. but it wasn't that exciting, I dunno.. I still don't know how I feel about it. Well I might as well tell you how my official "coming out" went.

Timmy has been crashing at my house since Thursday night, we've hung out all weekend, doing various activities without much sleep in between. I had made it my goal to come out that weekend, like I had said in my previous journal 'the fuck it, just say it' attitude. Well I procrastinated until Sunday. I was actually pretty shifty, I knew that the Midsumma Festival (Melbourne's gay festival thing) was coming to a close and they have a big carnival/party thing with a whole lot of happy queers haha. I somehow managed for us to end up there (I knew exactly where it was going to be at) without him suspecting a thing. It was at a park near the city, we saw all the people and heard the doof doof music but he had no idea what was going on, I went along with it and mentioned that we should check it out. It was fun because I got to check out all these girls and I felt like I should have been a part of it, having fun and being proud with everyone. But we ended up looking like the hetero couple going to see what all the fuss was about. Finally after walking past many good looking males and butchy (hot) females, Timmy says "err.. I think this is a gay thing.." I smile and reply dumbly "oh yeah it must be.."

Timmy was getting a bit uncomfortable and said "Um do you wanna leave..? It's not really our scene". I think I just said ok or something, so we started to leave but I suggest we sit down on a nearby bench. I'm at the point where I really wanted to tell him really badly, and he could see that I wanted to say something by the way I was acting. After asking me several times about what I wanted to say, I finally said "Ok I'll tell you my secret if you tell me your secret." We were both hesitating and so I suggest we write it down on a piece of paper and swap our secrets that way instead. He seemed a bit unsure but finally agreed, I was scared out of my mind but felt I was ready.

I wrote "I like girls more than I like guys" and then we swapped the pieces of paper. His reaction was a prepared reaction.. and I sorta wish it wasn't, it was like he wanted to react the way he thought I wanted him to react because he knew how scared I was. I really hope that makes sense. So he read it and goes "that's cool" in a very calm, not very surprised reaction at all. Half of me was like what the fuck, I just told you my deepest darkest secret and that's all I get. I know it's stupid, I should've been happy because he accepted me.. but still, I wanted something better. So yeah we just sat down on the edge of the river and I had to almost force him to ask me questions. Maybe he was still feeling weird? But I wanted him to be brutally honest and tell me what he thought, all the stuff he wanted to know, what he was thinking. But it was like he held back.. or maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing? Maybe I just wanted to talk to someone about something that I had been keeping in for five years of my life. I cried, I didn't want to but I did, it could have been because of relief or something like that.

So I came out.. has it changed anything? Not really. Is it supposed to?

Comments

Campfire's picture

You haven't really "come out"

You haven't really "come out" in my opinion. I mean, you have, but to one person. I guess real changes occur when you come out to your family, or whoever it is you live with that you feel closest to...and then stop hiding it completely. That's not to say you go around wearing a t-shirt that says "HI I'M A LESBIAN JUST SO YOU KNOW", but just that you stop pretending to like guys around everyone, so that unless people are socially inept, they get the picture...

But who knows, perhaps when you do tell everyone, still nothing will change :)

Well done for telling someone though!

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

the mouse that roared's picture

When I told my best friend, h

When I told my best friend, he pretty much just said "huh" and then my problems with girls became part of our conversations. I was pretty frustrated when I first told him, though, because he reacted like it was normal, and I wasn't expecting that really. I wanted him (and others I've come out to) to react strangely or say what they were really thinking. After all that uncertainty, I was like, that's it? You all just accept me?

Now that I've come out to a fair amount of acquaintences, it doesn't feel so strange anymore. I still haven't come out to some less-close friends, so I still have a bit of a weird stigma about that, but now it just feels normal. The hardest part is making sure my sexual orientation is clear when it isn't--I haven't come out with a standard label for myself, because I haven't gotten comfortable with one yet. This leads to me backing out of dating a guy I'm not interested in by letting him think I'm gay when I'm not...

Right. Tangent here. I guess, with looking back on my coming-out to friends and family, it has helped me become more open and connected with them, because they know more about what's going on with me, but other than that it hasn't changed anything. And that's good and healthy and the way it should be. It's natural, and no drama is good drama, however much we may have agonized in the closet.

I'm curious--was his secret as important to him as yours was to you?

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

Duncan's picture

For me, things just got kinda

For me, things just got kinda wierd. I spent a lot of time being stressed out. After a while, things calmed down. I got to high school, and I met a lot of people who were either gay or accepting. It gets better after you've come out a few times.