Someone said "keep us posted". Are you READY for this? Omg.
For the weak of heart, hows the summary: Single in time for Valentines, out and proud and certain.
For those of you who actually care to hear the whole thing (and theres prolly more than I think):
This morning, just got off the bus, heading into the school. In a hurry because I didn't have time to apply makeup before school - have to put on my face before too many people see me! So usually in the morning, I hang with MM and her friends, feeling unwanted. So today when I was hurrying by, she made eyecontact and looked almost sad when she saw I wasn't coming over. I just waved and gave my best I-know-I'm-ugly-now-don't-laugh-at-me smile, and she smiled back, I guess it might've been a this-is-different-please-come-over smile or something.
Then in homeroom she sat ever-so-slightly closer than usual. I suddenly said "Hey do you know what's really fun? Drawing on yourself with a permanent marker!" And I showed her a heart with wings I had drawn on my ankle. Then I gestured towards my upper-inner thigh and said "I've drawn something else, but you don't need to see it," and she was acting diappointed (jokingly I assume) and said "why not?!" and I said "I have a gross scar, you don't need to see THAT" and she said "Darn, it would've been the highlight of my day, seeing a girl's thigh!" Just the sort of thing you love hearing from your crush :) But when you have a boyfriend...
And that leads to the next two items of my day that I care to share (ooh rhyme lol). At lunch. Wandering aimlessly around with my boyfriend. I was wringing my hands, I didn't want him to TOUCH me at ALL! And then he took my hand anyway. I was ... digusted. It was nice feeling cared for, but my instant thought was "It's nice when he - he... he... him... boy... no..." and slowly I was realising. I only ever loved him as a friend. I just liked being in a relationship. But not with him. Then at the end of lunch, we kissed and... I saw HER face, when she's smiling and laughing and I could hear her saying "...highlight of my day, seeing a girl's thigh..." That was when I really knew. Really and truly. Maybe you don't think it's proof enough to do what I did next, afterschool, but believe me I'm positive and I feel great so I must be right. Anyway. Typical me rambling.
So afterschool. I was all upset, just to do with something entirely off the point of everything I'm saying. I was leaning against the wall of the school, hiding in my jacket and crying but trying not to let it show. The Boyfriend came and sat with me. He put his arm around me and I spilled what was wrong. He didn't say much, but it helped a lot. Then he said "If there's anything I can do..." and suddenly I saw MM's face again. So I pulled away from him and said "You can forgive me." And then I looked at my hands and saw my black and red nailpolish and remembered how when I did it I thought of what MM might say (and I had been right, she said "cool" like I expected). So then I did the irreversable, but I don't regret it. "I can't have a boyfriend right now... because I'm not a bisexual... I'm a lesbian." And from there, I don't remember the exact words of the conversation, but we've agreed to still be "awesome friends". And I'm still going to give him a cookie tomorrow, Valentine's Day, because I don't like cards.
Now, wishful thinking, I have an image of tomorrow morning when I tell MM that I broke it off with The Boyfriend. Or really, The Ex. I'll say "I broke up with N..." and I know for a fact she'll say, "Oh really? Why?" And I'll say "Because when he kissed me, I saw you." And if I'm lucky she'll tell me she's already broken up with D. And then.... maybe.... Valentine's Day with love in the air ... but that's wihsful thinking.
So I'm single and *this much* closer to the girl of my dreams. Yay me!