You On My Mind Has Got Me Losing It

Palmtreechick14's picture

Noting like progress today. But I'm there as a friend for her. Watching her boyfriend hurt her is killing me. Today, right in front of all our friends, he was sitting with another girl in his lap. You should have seen MM's face. I actually left and cried. I felt like D was cheating on me and not my close friend. It's terrible, getting tangled into emotions. Without friends, I can block it all out and nothing hurts. Except the loneliness. Either way hurts me a lot. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Seeing someone sad can ruin my day.

I'm stuck. I can either be with people and feel ignored or annoying; or I can be alone and feel lonely or afraid. Feeling ignored because I don't want to force myself on them and so I back away just a little, or annoying if I talk too much. They're tolerant people, my friends, but still... Alone I don't like. Either I'm remembering highlights of previous relationship (The Ex, you've heard about him if you've read other entries) or I'm longing for a new one. I'm not the sort of person who can survive alone but alone is what I often am.

FUNNY THINGY FROM TODAY : People were telling me to tell a guy whether I wanted him or not. Of course I said I didn't. Then a girl said "Well who do you want? Do you want me?" And I could immediately see she was joking so I knew no one would care about my answer. "Yeah I want you!" And she pretended to hump me against a wall. She was much bigger than me so it was awkward but still hilarious.

This same girl was feeling my leg at lunch (before I noticed the friction between MM and Her Boyfriend) and I was thinking of how fun it is to befriend perverts.


the mouse that roared's picture

I know how you feel about the "alone" part.

I've been struggling to find my own place, socially and emotionally, at school, and it's hard. I used to feel a lot more intrusive when I just talked to people, but now I just feel a bit left out sometimes, when my friends have their own secure groups and I don't so much. It's been getting a bit better for me, but I still feel lonely a lot of the time.

What's helped me is remembering that people probably do like you better than you think. Most people are paying more attention to themselves fitting in than to how you're acting. Don't worry so much about how you look to other people, and you'll feel a lot more relaxed. Put yourself out there!

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

Palmtreechick14's picture


I have one word to answer that: thanks

Stars fall as tears form, the end of the world is your despair...