Can't be me

SilentBlue's picture

So, pretty much I just think of the little problem of whether I like girls or boys. I have always analyzed things way too much and so I have been analyzing the hell out of my feelings for like the last 5 years! Lately I've been thinking, I feel very comfortable around guys and like to hang out with them and stuff, and once in a while i think that I could go out with a guy, but I don't think I would ever want it to get serious. So pretty much just hang around with them and maybe they could hug me or cuddle with me, but not kiss me or anything further! haha Sometimes I think I am just plain into girls.I don't really like the gay lifestyle though and I am lazy and it's too much work to find a girl. haha

I find though that when I think abou guys and girls, I can see niceness and fun-to-be-with-ness (as a friend) in almost every girl, but I only like certain guys. And the type of guys that I like are not the type that anyone would expect from me. But whatever, that doesn't bother me. Any girls I like I hardly ever talk to. I listen to them when we're in a group of people and their talking, but I never talk, like one on one with them. I want to, but not really because if I do talk to them and become close or whatever then I'll want them more, and I can't have them because they're probably straight and because I don't want to be out at all right now. I want some people to know, but not everyone, but I'll probably never tell those some people ever either. I don't want people to see me differently, and no matter how good people take it when you come out, they will look at you differently.

I also am afraid that I'm too much like the stereo-typical lez and that bothers me for some reason. Like I naturally act more boyish-like. I feel like I have really been going against my instincts lately. Like I still want to act like a tomboy and stuff, but I don't want people to suspect anything. I'm afraid that if I start opening up and acting like myself and talking more, then somehow people will piece it together. Like whenever I do decide to "come out" it is probably going to be easy for people to spot because it seems to me like it is part of my personality, but maybe thats just because I've analyzed it so much. haha

Wow! I wrote ALOT! haha I don't think I've ever even talked this much before! Anyway sorry for the huge, probably boring, rant.
.....And it's all about me. My, aren't I self-centered!

Comments

phantasmagoria's picture

i know what you mean about th

i know what you mean about the gay lifestyle or anything- i really worry that my friends, if i ever get round to coming out, will think of me as a lesbian first and myself later. I really don;t see my sexual orientation as anything to do with my personality though, and am afraid that other people will, like "oh she only said that because she's a lesbian"
And don't worry about talking about yourself, thats what journals are for :D now doing a stream of consciousness as a comment on the journal of an unsuspecting victim, that woiuld be narcisstic...