I was just trying to write an email to an old friend. We used to be "virtual sisters" back in the day: close and secure and loving. We didn't really see each other that much, but she treated me special, you know? I could write her emails or talk about whatever made me angry or sad, even if it was her, and she would write back with more compassion than I had hoped for.
I had a crush on her last year, and for a lot of this year. I was drawn by her facade, by how complicated she seemed under her hearty mask. She's beautiful. And straight. No one's ever dated her yet, but the guys don't know what they're missing.
Last June--when I was still pretty mixed-up and a bit unaccepting of my sexuality--I came out to her. She had seen I was overwhelmed and said if I wanted to talk I could, and one day I felt so confused and sad and depressed that I figured what the hell, I'll call her. Maybe she'll help, make things better. She mostly just told me that it was OK and told me how I must feel about it. Didn't give me much advice. I didn't tell her that I was crushing on her, but I couldn't bring myself to make someone else up. I think she knew/knows/whatever.
All this year I've been avoiding her, mostly cause I didn't want to have to deal with my feelings for her. Now I'm pretty much over her, and I want to re-establish a connection, especially before she goes off to college this fall. But I can't bring myself to write the stupid email and I don't know how to ask if I can still confide my problems with her. I want to be in her life, but I don't even know if she wants to be in mine anymore. I don't know what to say, and the thought that she knows I was crushing on her makes my throat close shut. How do the words always come on paper, words directed at nowhere, nobody, words that are for "art" or for my unpolished journals, how is it that they flow but not the ones I say to others?
I have so much to do, so much to decide. Don't even know what I'm doing this vacation, let alone for my senior year. And forget about all my schoolwork... I feel so alone and I'm so tired of having no safe connections, and even my old virtual sister isn't there in the same way for me anymore.