I'm so confused.
Just over 2 years ago, or thereabouts, I started talking properly with this guy on the Internet. Back then I wasn't even "out" on the Internet to people I talked to, but he saw through me completely and would not stop going on about it until I gave in and so I came out to him eventually. He's gay too I might add.
So anyway we ended up talking to each other pretty regularly, and then we got kinda close. He phoned me regularly for a little bit, but the phone bills became a bit of a burden. He lives in the US you see, and I in the UK. However at one point he said he loved me.
But that's where I start to get confused. I don't know if he's lying or not. I mean he wants me to go over to the US (which I can't afford anyway and I wouldn't bother because the legal age of having fun is 21), but like, sometimes I think he just wants to sleep with me and just says all that other crap for the sake of it. But then again he is gorgeous and has a great personality and is funny so why bother going to so much effort to have me? Plus he has a boyfriend already (who is super hot) so it can't be just sex, surely?
And anyway, the whole boyfriend thing just furthers my confusion. I don't know where I stand, nor do I know if I'm okay with it. I mean I feel okay with it, and then he talks about him affectionately or talks about him on Valentines Day and I just had to go AFK! Actually, I think I do know where I stand, I'm just afraid of accepting it. Sad really.
We still talk pretty much every day, but I looked through some logs from 2004 and his attitude towards me has changed without me even realising it. Just little things (you know, those little things which count?). Like he used to call me "hon" or "sweetie" and now he doesn't. And if he was leaving he'd be like, *lix* or *kiss* and now he doesn't do that ever he just says "bye". But then again I guess I don't do it to him either, but because I'm scared I'm making a fool of myself. Or if I did it and he didn't do it back, I'm scared of how I'd feel.
So I've tried just forgetting about him. Like we've had a few arguments over the past couple of years. I've tried just deleting any programs I speak to him through, or slamming him on ignore. I managed to not speak to him for like a month, until he messaged me one day. And that's another thing, he goes to the effort of chasing me down even if I don't speak to him...isn't that a good thing? If I try and forget about him I can't. Seriously, I think about him every single day. I just love everything about him even when he pisses me off.
I think I'm just desperate for someone, and he's the only person who knows ALL my secrets, and despite knowing them he still says I'm cute and great and how he cares about me. That just feels so nice. At the same time I can't have him, even if I lived next door to him. And I don't know if he really wants me anyway. Argh!
I know I sound so juvenile. But there we have it, that's how I feel. Can't help it.