Juvenile confusion

Campfire's picture

I'm so confused.

Just over 2 years ago, or thereabouts, I started talking properly with this guy on the Internet. Back then I wasn't even "out" on the Internet to people I talked to, but he saw through me completely and would not stop going on about it until I gave in and so I came out to him eventually. He's gay too I might add.

So anyway we ended up talking to each other pretty regularly, and then we got kinda close. He phoned me regularly for a little bit, but the phone bills became a bit of a burden. He lives in the US you see, and I in the UK. However at one point he said he loved me.

But that's where I start to get confused. I don't know if he's lying or not. I mean he wants me to go over to the US (which I can't afford anyway and I wouldn't bother because the legal age of having fun is 21), but like, sometimes I think he just wants to sleep with me and just says all that other crap for the sake of it. But then again he is gorgeous and has a great personality and is funny so why bother going to so much effort to have me? Plus he has a boyfriend already (who is super hot) so it can't be just sex, surely?

And anyway, the whole boyfriend thing just furthers my confusion. I don't know where I stand, nor do I know if I'm okay with it. I mean I feel okay with it, and then he talks about him affectionately or talks about him on Valentines Day and I just had to go AFK! Actually, I think I do know where I stand, I'm just afraid of accepting it. Sad really.

We still talk pretty much every day, but I looked through some logs from 2004 and his attitude towards me has changed without me even realising it. Just little things (you know, those little things which count?). Like he used to call me "hon" or "sweetie" and now he doesn't. And if he was leaving he'd be like, *lix* or *kiss* and now he doesn't do that ever he just says "bye". But then again I guess I don't do it to him either, but because I'm scared I'm making a fool of myself. Or if I did it and he didn't do it back, I'm scared of how I'd feel.

So I've tried just forgetting about him. Like we've had a few arguments over the past couple of years. I've tried just deleting any programs I speak to him through, or slamming him on ignore. I managed to not speak to him for like a month, until he messaged me one day. And that's another thing, he goes to the effort of chasing me down even if I don't speak to him...isn't that a good thing? If I try and forget about him I can't. Seriously, I think about him every single day. I just love everything about him even when he pisses me off.

I think I'm just desperate for someone, and he's the only person who knows ALL my secrets, and despite knowing them he still says I'm cute and great and how he cares about me. That just feels so nice. At the same time I can't have him, even if I lived next door to him. And I don't know if he really wants me anyway. Argh!

I know I sound so juvenile. But there we have it, that's how I feel. Can't help it.

Comments

raining men's picture

Don't

Don't do it. Its not worth following. It sounds like a perfect relationship but the distances just make it impossible. If he has a boyfriend then you don't want to mess it up between them. It does sound a little like just sex, but that can't be guaranteed. Calling you hon and weetie means nothing - I call everyone, including my teachers that.
I know about being desparate for someone, but someone knowing all your secrests does not qualify them to boyfriend status. I hate to pull out the same tired crap, but you really can't be sure of what he looks like or if he has a boyfriend or not over the internet. I just don't think he's worth going for

P.S I like the new avatar by the way

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"

Campfire's picture

I am sure of what he looks li

I am sure of what he looks like, he's been on webcam. I've spoken to his boyfriend a couple of times too. I also know people online that have gone to meet him in real life and stuff. He's legit.

Indeed, I don't want to mess with their relationship, which is another reason it bothers me. And the distance. I can see it's just not going to happen, which is precisely why I've tried to forget about it. But you know emotions, bastard things just won't leave me alone! Makes it hurt a lot more too.

P.S. I like my avatar too. I think I have fallen in love with Jake Shears now actually. We'll see how likely that one is to get off the ground *grin*

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

raining men's picture

Cool

yeah he probably is legit. And you're right, emotions are persistent bastards who keep dropping in for visits.
And I think I';m beginning to fall in love with Jake Shears as well now

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"