I've had a lot on my mind lately, and, when I come to think of it, most of it just nonsense. Basically, I'm losing my spark. The thing inside me that's always driven me into doing at least something with myself. I don't think it's vanished, but it has certainly been away for some time now. I used to -want- to do be active. And I felt the desire to create almost constantly; write fiction, compose music, debate absurdities... Now I waste my energy on... well, nothing.
I'm on winter holiday. My best friend invited me to go skiing in one of the best mountains in the country. And I turned him down, which i think hurt him a bit, but I just didn't feel like going. Usually, it would be easy; I would be on the train right now, in full ski gear, ready to hit the slopes. I have no idea why I said no. I mean, things have been going quite smoothly between us lately. Few arguments. And still, I've lost any yearning to be around him, along with all my other friends. I know sometimes friends just drift away from eachother, but this isn't that. This is me becoming so consumed in all my problems and doom that I l'm losing touch with reality.
So he went by himself. Big deal.
Moving on, I joined a Norwegian gay site, made a profile on there, resulting in my making contact with quite a few gay guys in my area. One really cool guy, a year older. A lot like me in many ways. Anyhow, he said there is a café for young gays every wednesday. Although he's stopped going on that perticular day, he offered to come with me for moral support if I decided to check it out. I just might, as soon as I get out of this depression. Want to make a good first impression. Note that I'm not reallt attracted to him, but a potential friend maybe?
SO.. the big headache the last couple of days has been, yes, yet another guy. I also met him on the gay website, only difference is he's 24. I know, 9 years difference. I'm not looking to get romanticallt involved though. Frankly, I would kinda just like to have sex. Just once, to try it out. It wouldnt be dating or anything like that; we'd just get together. It probably sounds increadibly immature and juvanile, but I want to get laid. And why not with a guy that has experience, and who is looking for the same as me. He seems outgoing and nice, and he is very keen on me. I too on him, and I've always like older guys anyhow.. so.. idk. When I mentioned it to my close friends, about half of them reacted positive, the other half were kinda shocked. Like i expected.
I'm legal for sex in exactly 2 months, and I definately feel emotionally equiped. Will have to think about it some more before going home with the guy. On one side it's not really that big of a deal, but then again, I wonder how future boyfriends will react to how I lost my virginity. lol.. stupid thought.