Tear Jerking Moment

cayde's picture

I was fiddling about in my backpack to look for my ipod. I didn't find it, but instead I found a various notes I wrote for journal entries. My time management has been less than perfect. I am always busy doing "nothing". I am bit tired actual, I am trying to be at so many places at once. Reflexive endeavors like journaling and therapy are so difficult. I went to my own church on Sunday for the firsttime, since the winter break. Some folks already forgot my name and who I was.

A couple weeks ago, I was buying some groceries with my dad. While I was thinking about various things mainly house keeping, the thoughts of getting back with KennyD creeped up. I started to get slightly erratic and a bit restless. I avoided any eye contacts with my dad. ASDA has always been notorious for playing elevator musics, that afternoon staffs might have been in tear jerking mood. They played various love tunes some them is just cheesey and meaningless.

"That's my goal" by Shayne Ward came up. It totally reminded of my feelings toward KennyD and reasons I went out with him. I wanted to make him to happy. I wanted to put a smile on face.

When the chorus came up, tears are running down my face.

"That I’ve finally thought it through
I’m not here to let you’re love go
I’m not giving up, oh no
I’m here to win you’re heart and soul
That’s My Goal"

I won neither his heart nor soul. I felt like everything just paused for a moment for me to digest and to feel my grieves properly.

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cayde's picture

Quick Update

Issues of religious believes are one of the most contentious parts of my life, especially after came out. Being honest to myself and true to my feelings have brought me closer to my faith. I think at this stage my world is pretty much divided between gay and non-gay things.

Gay things are concerned with movies, actors and organizations that have embraced and struggle to understand differences in human sexualities.

Non-gay things are happened to include Jahova Witness. Most of the reasons for categorizing them in this way is pure emotional. I have nothing against people belonging to this organization, I am against their collectives believes. Would I hailed stones at them ? The answer is no! They're perfectly nice people, when I talked to them. They always reminded to read Bible, which is nice. I normally took pieces of literature that might have offered. It is difficult to bring myself to read them. And they normally got tossed in the trash can.

Although the issues may be contentious, it is important for me to nice to people and listen to their arguement no matter how difficult it may be. It's my second day of lent - I pleaded to give up cafe latte and drink americano instead. I hoping that I would save enough change to give it the charity that really means which Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network.