I was fiddling about in my backpack to look for my ipod. I didn't find it, but instead I found a various notes I wrote for journal entries. My time management has been less than perfect. I am always busy doing "nothing". I am bit tired actual, I am trying to be at so many places at once. Reflexive endeavors like journaling and therapy are so difficult. I went to my own church on Sunday for the firsttime, since the winter break. Some folks already forgot my name and who I was.
A couple weeks ago, I was buying some groceries with my dad. While I was thinking about various things mainly house keeping, the thoughts of getting back with KennyD creeped up. I started to get slightly erratic and a bit restless. I avoided any eye contacts with my dad. ASDA has always been notorious for playing elevator musics, that afternoon staffs might have been in tear jerking mood. They played various love tunes some them is just cheesey and meaningless.
"That's my goal" by Shayne Ward came up. It totally reminded of my feelings toward KennyD and reasons I went out with him. I wanted to make him to happy. I wanted to put a smile on face.
When the chorus came up, tears are running down my face.
"That I’ve finally thought it through
I’m not here to let you’re love go
I’m not giving up, oh no
I’m here to win you’re heart and soul
That’s My Goal"
I won neither his heart nor soul. I felt like everything just paused for a moment for me to digest and to feel my grieves properly.