The REAL Action Movie

Icarus's picture

hey, i wrote this a while ago and thought you guys might think it was funny. feel free to add.

The REAL action movie:

[1]. When shooting a gun, it misses by a mile.

[2].Running from someone[thing], try to jump over a trashcan, fence, etc., foot catches and you fall flat on your face.

[3]. Right when you're supposed to see the big whatever, the flashlight goes out.

[4]. Crawling in heating ducts is rarely easy and never fun, and always (ALWAYS) hot and stuffy.

[5]. Not everyone knows how to hotwire a car or fly a helicopter.

[6]. Getting shot really does hurt and even superheroes bleed a lot.

[7]. Blood loss can happen to anyone and it is not something to ignore.

[8]. Getting punched in the face seldom leaves you up for a another round. Nor does getting punched in the stomach…or ribs...or fact, just avoid getting punched altogether.

[9]. Kung fu usually takes a whole hell of a lot more than ten minutes to learn.

[10]. Leather chafes...badly.

[11]. Just because you fought the baddies side-by-side with the guy does not necessarily mean you can sleep with him.

[12]. Even the good guys can occasionally walk in at the absolute worst moment.

[13]. When you try to jump off some high box and grab that swinging chain with the hook, Murphy's law dictates that inevitably your face will come in contact with the hook.

[14]. Rarely is the villain bent on world-domination and the aliens? Ha! Like they would actually try to contact us before blowing us up. Well, maybe some really dumb aliens.

[15]. Gasoline and a gun do not mix...'nuff said.

[16]. Tripping on your own shoelaces, walking into walls and doors, crunching your fingers in the car door, misfiring a gun...or bazooka, crashing the VERY expensive Rolls Royce, spilling coffee all over your really cool outfit...well, even the best of superheroes had their bad days.

[17]. The bad guys just shoot you right out, they don't try to blow up the building or set the warehouse on fire. A nice 9mm to the skull is good enough for them.

[18]. High heels and leather mini-skirts aren't really the best clothes to go after a gang of goons.

[19]. A door does not always open when you kick it, even if you kick really hard, and walking around with a sore or sprained ankle is not very practical so next time, check to see if it's unlocked before you decide to go all LAPD.

[20]. Doors don't really click open with just a hairpin.

[21]. Swinging from a rope ladder at 6,500 feet is never a good idea.

[22]. Trying to drive a stick shift is not like riding a bike.

[23]. The bad guys don't always speak English.

[24]. Cold water on the muscles can cause cramps and that's never fun.

[25]. You can't really build a super-cool jet craft from just bubblegum, paper clips and spit.

[26]. Minions are ugly and will always be ugly.

[27]. Jumping through a glass window can be painful even if you do it right. And a shard of glass impaled in your leg isn't really fun. That's what doors are for.

[28]. Shooting the lock off a door just leads to more problems.

[29]. It's never shoot the bad guys and run, it's shoot the bad guys till they're dead.

[30]. Sleeping with the bad guy's girlfriend, [no matter how enjoyable] rarely solves anything.

[31]. Computer hackers, geologists, scientists, etc. aren't always beautiful, but that doesn't mean they aren't smart.

[32]. Trying to shoot an AK-47 and drive at the same time will lead to serious legal problems.

[33]. Running an evil mutant down with your car will more than likely make it mad and just ruin your paint job.

[34]. You can't always brush yourself off after falling down three flights of stairs.

[35]. When the bad guys are shooting out your car, they will actually hit you. When you shoot at the bad guys' car, the most you'll hit is the tail-light.

[36]. Duct tape being pulled off any part on the body HURTS.

[37]. It's okay to admit when it hurts.

[38]. You can't really hold your breath for twenty minutes at a time, no matter where you are. If you happen to be fifteen feet down, under a sunken sub and you run out of air, you're going to die.

[39]. Shooting at the ceiling to get the guy above you, only ends up with angry tenants and a leaky ceiling.

[40]. When a bomb explodes, your hearing will go and it will not come back for more than several hours.

[41]. When you crash that very nice convertible, you will not emerge unscathed from the wreckage, you will either be in the ICU or dead.

[42]. You remember that really cool crossed swords thing that always seems to be hanging above the mantle in the bad guy's house? If the goons are chasing you and you need a quick weapon, don't pull that down, it's going to either break into a million pieces or the whole damn thing will come down on top of you.

[43]. Trying to run up a wall and flip over will only make you look stupid and get the wind knocked out of you.

[44]. No matter what the guy tells you, don't try and dodge bullets.

[45]. Just because you're the savior of the free world doesn't mean you'll know exactly what everyone is talking about all of the time.

[46]. When your boss calls, it won’t be at the least opportune moment, it’ll come right when you’re most bored.


savanh_person's picture

ROTFLMAO...ahahaha...that was

ROTFLMAO...ahahaha...that was sooo funny

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to DANCE IN THE RAIN."

Music Is 1337's picture

Hahah, those are absolutely b

Hahah, those are absolutely brill. =D

"Every artist is a cannibal,
every poet is a thief.
All kill their inspiration,
and sing about their grief." - Acrobat, U2

raining men's picture


Suberb. But you missed one:

47. When entering a roome with the power cut flicking the switch repeatedly will not magically help them come on. You only have to flick it once to tell if the power is off, not twelve times

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"