thing's i'll never say...

formula_truth_love's picture

Ok so in school yesterday this new girl Lauren we were really hitting it off talking about how she saw my myspace page. Then she takes out her phone and ask me to put my number in it. Well the best thing she called but sadly my phone was charging so i missed the call. But the best part of it all was that she left this totally outrageous message like she was really energetic. She was like Hi Alexis my name it's Lauren i just wanted to say your voicemail is so cute because you told me to have a great day and i was having a bad one now im not just wanted to call and say what is up call me back goodbye.

I wrote all that this morning before a couple hours before i left for school. Well one of my teachers that i am close with that i recently told i am bi was asking me questions. I just froze really i guess since i don't talk about it much i didn't have words but i answered her questions. She asked me if i was ever going to come out to my mother or wait till i was an adult. Then she was like well what if you meet someone what will you do then. I just said i would first check if the relationship was actually going to be serious and that she wasn't going to dump me as soon as the consequences or events unfold from telling her.

I also asked to talk to my therapist tomorrow i am going to start talking and not writing things down because that is just like tip toeing around the subjects i wanna work on. I have to use my voice but its just scary but i will do. I wanna talk to her about helping me get over thinking about her because it is really affecting me to where i cry. Just because i feel ashamed and just all these things because she's a mother and older and such things. I just want to know what she thinks and just i mean it's so confusing i get stronger crushes on 40 30 something yearold women thann girls my age. I have been working on it but everytime my crushes that start out on girls are broken up by the fact they can't really sit and be serious or have a conversation without joking or talking about sex or drugs. They can't refrain from cursing or saying they are going to jump someone.

I guess i crush on older women because they seem stable they have sorted certain things out that i talk to younger girls that haven't sorted it out. I have sorted some things out that these older women have so i guess sometimes i feel outside the range of these girls my age. Well that's it i just hope everything goes well tomorrow with my therapy i don't want her to say something that makes me wish i hadn't asked to meet with her today. Have a great Friday and i may post something over the weekend an update.