I'm Lost.

saves_the_day's picture

Ouch. I hurt. I've never had a hangover in my life, but as I've
been told it feels a lot like what I'm feeling right now. My body
aches, everywhere. My legs. Arms. Brain. Lungs. But most of all,
my heart. It kills. I have this crazy mad headache that hasn't
gone away in over 23 hours and counting. Everytime I move I feel
as if I have to vomit. And just to make matters worse, I just
threw away the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I couldn't deal with her anymore. She hurt me in a way that no
one could EVER fix. She did the one thing that I never wanted
to have to deal with, and I thought with her I wouldn't ever
need to go into major details on the subject. WHY DID SHE CHOOSE
TO MIX HER PRESCRIPTION DRUGS WITH SOMETHING ELSE PLUS A SHIT LOAD
OF ALCOHOL??? I don't take lightly to drugs and I felt that her
saying that she's not into them either meant that she'd think
twice about taking them. I guess not, right?

I feel as if I'm the bad person in all of this. The entire time
she was sitting on my bed trying to talk to me, I wanted her to
go. But at the same time I wanted her to stay. I do love her. I
know I do, but I can't sit there and watch her fuck her life up
and not do anything. I can't be apart of that. I didn't want to
loose her to an accidental overdose or side effect of mixing them
with alcohol. I've seen what the does to people and in my past
I've had others choose their goddamn drugs over me, and I can't
have that happen again.

I feel so lost. I just want the pain to end. It's taken everything
I have not to do anything stupid to myself, but I'm not sure how
much longer that's going to last. I can't hold out forever. This
sucks.

Comments

sugarmagnolia's picture

i'm so sorry, being close to

i'm so sorry, being close to someone with a substance abuse issue like that is never easy, and having been in that position, i totally understand your reaction. a lot of the symptoms of physical pain you're describing sounds like a migraine, so you might want to try calling your doctor to see what he or she recomends for that. the pain in your heart will take time to heal. you might try reaching out to her when she sober to explain in detail your feelings. even if it won't repair your relationship, it'll help both of you as far as communication, and will most likely ease a bit of the heartache, and maybe push for her to examine her lifestyle, as far as drugs go. hang in there.

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"