Just getting it out

SilentBlue's picture

I really think I should talk to somebody, but no matter how hard I try, I can't get myself to find someone, like a therapist. I don't have any friends that I feel I could trust to understand me and not tell anyone else. I think I might be depressed again. I have been worried it would come back and I felt it creeping up again but I just kept ignoring it. I was told before by a psychologist that it probably originated from my social anxiety. With the social anxiety I don't even know if that is just like, a chemical imbalance or whatever, or if it has to do with the fact that I started messing up my life because I couldn't deal with my feelings for girls on top of my already feeling different and very self conscious since I was little. This is the only place I have to talk so sorry for taking up room with this negative type of stuff.

I always seem to get the depressed feelings when the season changes, it's weird. I havn't been doing very well in school at all lately becuase I have been unable to concentrate because I am constantly worried about myself. I don't know why I am having such a hard time accepting my sexuality, I started too and then I just went right back to intense worry about it again. But its not just that, there are many other things as well, like my social anxiety and not doing well in school. I can remember I have always felt different from everyone else, and even at a young age (like grade 4 or 5) I was worried that people might think I was a lesbian (I don't even remember how I knew what that meant, but I did). I have no doubts that I like girls, and I'm not sure if I like guys too, but thats doesn't bother me much. I just don't know why I'm having such a hard time accepting it. My parents are both open-minded I guess, like they have never shown anything against GLBT, race, or whatever. If I told them they would be supportive I'm sure, but they would worry too much and act differently towards me so I don't tell them.

I feel so self-centered. I am constantly reminding myself that most likely no one is judging me because they are too busy judging themselves and that I should try and focus more on making other people feel better instead of making myself feel worse. But it is pretty much impossible for me not to go right back to thinking about me. I can stare at a page in a book for an hour and not have read a single sentance. I don't even like to talk much unless I can think of something to talk about other than myself, which isn't often. I'm also supposed to be graduating this year, but now I am actually worried that I'm not going to make it. And if I don't graduate I will be kicked out of the house and be a huge letdown for my family. The scary part is I can't even bring myself to care much. It's like its not happening to me, I'm just watching.

I shouldn't write on here when I'm upset, it just turns into a long, incoherent rambling.

Comments

EndlessD's picture

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I'm not too good at the whole advice thing, but I can sort of relate to you with the whole being so preoccupied with yourself that you can't focus on other things and, like you, I also don't feel comfortable talking to any of my friends. And about the feeling self-centered thing, you're not. And if you are, then I am too and I'm sure a lot of others as well. And if you feel you can't talk to anyone about this, then I think it's a good thing you're here. I know that without places like this to vent and talk, I'd go inside. And if you ever need to talk, vent, chat, whatever, feel free to pm, email, or IM me.

(hug) Feel better.