Miss Lonely

Y - GuRl's picture

Time for an update on my exciting life. I lie, my life has never been more dull. People say once you come out to one person, it just gets easier from there.. it sure doesn't feel like that for me. Sure it's fun that I found out me and Tim have the same taste in girls and we can laugh about 3 years of awkward moments and conversations we had. But at the end of the day, I still feel pretty fucken lonely. I know things aren't good when I start listening to Dashboard Confessional CDs and large amounts of acoustic guitar songs than usual.

I turned 19 recently.. that is so depressingly old (well for me it is). I've been living all these years and still haven't managed to really be who I am. Maybe If I had come to terms with my sexuality at 16, came out to everyone, I could have been having fun with discovering who I was, even maybe had a few messy teenage hook ups and break ups. I'm just sick of being so alone. Ok now this is just turning out to be one of those self-pitying posts that I don't want it to be. I'll try to turn it around now..

My plan this year is to get myself some queer friends. Plan A. I have a used-to-be-close friend who I talk to occasionally, well I know for a fact that she has gay friends. Somehow I've got to find a way to meet them.. but that may require me to come out to her.. which wouldn't be too bad. But the thing is, we are more like accquaintances now so... any suggestions?

Plan B. My other friend who I mentioned in a previous post who I found out recently is gay. Well I could start to get in contact with him again because I genuinely want to. But the thing is, he's a great guy and is "Mr. Popular" and I feel like he wouldn't really have time to bond with a childhood friend like myself unfortunately. But he lives nearby and I know where he works.. so I guess I could drop by sometime. Although I don't want it to be too awkward since there has been a 4 year gap in our friendship!

Oh i dunno, this planning probably sounds pretty pathetic.. well if anyone has any suggestions, that would be cool :]


the mouse that roared's picture

What they say is right, comin

What they say is right, coming out does eventually get easier. But it took me a while to get comfortable with it and not make such a big deal out of it. Let's see--I came out on IM to far-away friends first, which doesn't really count, and then to some questioning friends at a sleepover (minor effort because someone else initiated the conversation). Then--this was really hard--two cousins within a few months of each other, a girl I had a crush on (still ashamed about how I handled that one), and then things started to get easier. Came out to friends at summer camp, stayed closeted at the next, came out to a big group of people I didn't really know and probably wouldn't see again, then to my parents, my best friend, a guy I went on a date with... The last few were harder, but I guess that's cause there were higher stakes. Now I talk about it if it comes up. Sometimes I'm a bit nervous, or I only realize till after how much I was worried about it. But mostly it's gotten to a point where it's not too hard. But how many people did that take to make it pretty easy? Maybe fifty or seventy-five? It probably started getting easier after the first five or so, but it takes time, hun.

About meeting queer people--I say try to build that friendship with your acquaintence. After you guys know each other just let it slip out that you're not straight. It usually helps me to put it into a conversational context--"I've not been having so much fun at dances because I want to dance the guy's part"--rather than out of the blue.

About your childhood friend--maybe email him or something to start out? I'm not so good at reinitiating contact either, so I'm not too sure about that.

You also could look for a gay youth group or GSA in your area. Maybe you'd meet people there.

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser