more than words...

formula_truth_love's picture

That song by Frankie J makes me cry so much it's what I want all these people saying they love me not romantically but friend child sister niece whatever saying those words. The only thing I ever think is why don't you people ever hug me to show it you always say it like saying it will be enough. That's why when I am told I Love You I really only believe it from one person. Lisa my culinary teacher she knows me better than anyone. She knows that I need a hug alot because that is really the only thing to comfort me make me feel at peace for a couple moments in my life.

It's feels so safe inside her arms. When she lets go sometimes I wanna break down and cry sometimes I am just so put back together for a while afterwards. The thing I hate most is all the other students at my school can't understand that if I was in a relationship I don't want sex that will develop over time but I want the talks the sweet kisses the being held holding my hand they look at me like i'm stupid like i'm crazy. Am I really do any of you think that is wrong what I want? I know that it is probably harder to do in a relationship than to dream of it.

I'm on my spring break now and it is not going smoothly if only I could keep myself from thinking wanting to get to know people women emotionally wanting to know there soul know them deeply unconditionally intertwined with mine even if we are not dating or having sex but the emotional connection. I mean when it comes to Lisa I know I Love her as a friend that when I hug her my soul feels complete like I am in heaven. I know I wish I could know her like i've let her know me.

I understand and will abide by the teacher student boundaries and will just accept what relationship we've come into me sharing my soul with her so even though I know that I want to know her. I respect the age lifetimes experiences and am glad for every thing I have gotten to learn about her and from knowing her. It's special what we have it's nothing bad incase some of you are thinking that from reading this. I am just trying to understand my feelings i'm experiencing right now and by doing this entry it's helping. We are like friends/mother/daughter/companions. Maybe we aren't really I don't know I am just trying to understand why I feel like this.

I think I know I have never known a love a friend someone who cares understands me like she does never felt something so strong that it hurts yet it makes me ok. I guess I just have been thinking why I feel like this when I am nothing really big to her I don't mean to her but the fact that I don't know if she feels anything like anything i've said even a tiny bit. I am the most happy I could have ever been from knowing her and I will be happy burning in hell without knowing the love of a women romantically since I got such a special love and bond from Lisa.

So I am concluding this entry saying i'm proud of every action every consequence every fiber of my being just to have come into contact with such a wondeful being as her. I wish everyone could feel what i'm feeling since it is so strong and no matter how much I analyze it think i'll never define why I feel this way think this. Love this her. I'm proud i'm gay i'm proud that I can be as well in touch with my emotions as I am I think it makes me a better female for it. So sorry anyone who doesn't understand what I wrote I guess only I can truly know the meaning of what i've wrote or if you can i'm glad that you can.



Hobbit's picture

I think I get it a little...

At least I get the part about having a really strong emotional connection with someone that isn't sexual. I also kinda get the undefined feelings thing, they are always really sucky.
btw, in response to your first paragraph I'm sending you a big hug

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every moment of it,