I know for myself I have the least to complain compared to all the adversities a lot of other people are going through... but for myself I've been really annoyed recently by a lot of things...
Recently I've been reflecting on the whole sexuality thing... I've started to wonder again if I really am gay... or bi. I don't know why I need this label so much. Maybe it can develop my assertiveness when I say "I'm gay/bi" if someone asks. The sad truth is that because I'm not sure myself I'm making it hard for everyone to understand "what" I am too. It's creating confusion for my friends and becoming a issue certain indivudals abuse me for and I really don't know what I want, what I need to say and how I should action or say it.
My past self is haunting me again. I'm starting to disconnect myself from socialisation like I kind of did a few years ago because I felt I was a burden of sadness and disappointment to everyone - like a disease that plagued everyone's happiness. It took me a LONG time to get over that and BE someone that might not be myself, but gave me acceptance and some relief and happiness in a different way. However recently, I'm failing to find optimism in things I do. I don't enjoy anything. I feel bad about what I have done and I can't feel good about anything. I care too much about what others think, I analyse too much instead of actioning something out. On another note, I realised coming out at my school is not ideal. I'm really not fond of the "continue to be myself" decision now. It's hard if you're not the toughest and most stereotypical masculine guy at our school. It's even be harder if you're the unsporty asian in the top academic class doing excel maths. Now if you add gay on top of all that... I can tell you it's social suicide.
A really annoying thing is my lack of transport to go anywhere. I can't interact with my friends in the weekends... I've already missed three invitations by Nick to go his place because of the same lame excuse everytime. Same with 2 movies, and another one this Sunday. This trasnport thing is really affecting my interaction with friends. My guardian won't take me anywhere. I spend HOURS on buses for sports trials and training and like tomorrow I have to take a bus and walk 1 hour to a youthgroup. I have to make a lot of sacrifices for these times I waste... school is getting harder and my piano exam closes in and when after my bus trips and I get home, it's already too late to practise piano after dinner. I have 3 exams before end of term and 1 major assignment. The whole thing is stressing me out.
Well, this week I had soccer trials. Let's just say the whole soccer trials thing didn't go too well. Agen I feel like a failure, I feel I don't match up to everyone else and I'm just pulling everyone's leg.
So we had our mufti day this Wednesday. So I DIDN'T crossdress. But Atsu kept calling me a crossdresser throughout the day. Gordan keeps Join-Ining my conversations when someone asks me a question and he keeps saying "because he's gay". Alex really pisses me off with his stereotypical and offensive comments he says. I'm also losing interest in my crushes... I'm being all tense and serious about everything too. I can't find fun and enjoyment in activities and I'm just drowning everyone else with my misery.
Atsu also saw the cuts I've been making on my wrist. I feel better when I hurt myself and know that it's not going to be someone else. It's that sense of security. However everytime after I wake up from my phase of sadness I always freak at what I did to myself. I take a shower, tried to wear my watch over it. I even tried to hide it with my long sleeves on mufti day but at the soccer trials Atsu saw it. There's like blood on my Swiss knife. The Swiss knife I got for my birthday and all I ever used it for is slit my wrist.
I'm screwed up.