Am I gay, straight, or bi?

Fawn's picture

Hi all. This is long, and complicated... I apologize!!!!
I know, I know...the only one who can answer this question is myself. I know, I would have to experiment to have my answer. But the thing is, I can't. I am a 24 year old female, I always thought I was a lesbian. Never been attracted to guys, with a few, very few, exceptions. I had love feelings for women tho, as a kid I thought it was normal for me to feel this way about my "idols", favorite singer, actress, celebrity. My heart would pound when I watched or heard them and they were just so beautiful... all females. I realized later, around 12 years old? dammit, I might be a lesbian. I have always been a shy, introvert girl at school. I never hung out, went to parties, had bfs or gfs, I never had friends basically. I was a loner. I had my online world tho. and from the age of 15 I had online relationships with women. I met one of them that ended up with her breaking my heart when I was 18, and later that year, met someone else, a woman 22 years older than I, that I lost my virginity to. During all this time I was on antidepressants and the birth control pill for my acne, so sexual desire was very much absent. I had my real life gf at 20, and with her, never had much of a sex life. She never wanted to be intimate. It lasted 1 year and a half and we broke up. Then I met my current gf, whom I have been with for 2 years now. The problem is, she doesnt want sex either. So all this time I have felt very deprived and I found out, maybe its the pill (that she was taking too) that is screwing with her sexual desires. We both stopped taking it at the same time, and while she hasnt seen a difference in her sex drive, mine went way up, way way up, and I started desiring men. That totally FREAKED ME OUT, threw me off guard, as I have had this lesbian identity for 10 years and finally had a woman who treated me like a queen, offered me support, stability, and love. I just signed a lease for an apartment with her, and we have 2 cats that are our babies. For 1 month I had a nervous breakdown, I couldnt eat and cried non stop. I did not expect this turn of event at all. I felt that maybe I wasnt gay. My hormones were nuts, and I needed sex badly. Is it that Ive been deprived in all of my relationships with women, or am I straight? I really dont know what to do. I have never known any man in my life, personally, except for my dad. I dont want to be straight, and I dont know if I am. My gf knows about this, she is supportive of me and understanding, altho it hurts her that Im always questioning. I mean I might like sex with a guy, but not be able to hold a relationship with him too? Anyway, thanks for reading me, and for the advices...

shinedownkicksyouras's picture

I am not really sure what it

I am not really sure what it is that you are looking for advice about/ I am sorry to hear that that has happened it sucks. All i can say is that worrying about labels is silly they get you know where. Just go with what feels right and everything will eventually fall into place. Find someone supportive to tlak to about everything, this is a great place for advice..well most of the time. I hope i helped a little bit atleast
Don't feel the need to define me...I can define myslef

Fawn's picture

Hi, thank you for your respon

Hi, thank you for your response.
I am definitely not looking for a label... My biggest fear here, beside the fear of the unknown (straight life, which I have despised my whole life) is that my relationship will have to end... My gf is the most amazing girl in the world, no one has ever loved me life she does. I dont know exactly what it is I am asking advice for, I guess I am just looking to see how others would handle this situation, and see if anyone is or has been in my shoes. Thank you for your time!

jojojo's picture

hm what a story. I would say

hm what a story.
I would say worry about what to do instead of what you are. And consider unconventional options. Don't worry about "Am I really straight" and think that if you answer YES then you would somehow have to turn your life upsde down again. If you want to stay with your girlfriend, do it. I mean, it's not a moral requirement that we have to structure our lives mostly around our sexual desires. (I hope that does not sound like the mirrow argument of the Religious people who say it is okay to have homosexual feelings as long as you don't act on them. Cause that's not what I mean... I mean, at your point I think you can just try to figure out what you want to do, instead of what you are and believe that if you know what you are this will give you the authoritative answer concerning what to do.
Maybe your girlfriend would be okay if you have sex with a guy? Since she is supportive and not so much after sex.
Well, maybe you lke sex with a guy and relationship with a woman. Why not? Just because many other people want sex and relationship with the same person, or at least with persons from the same sex.

And again, don't think that you have to justify your behavior to anyone (except your friends, lovers, etc...) Like I mean, there is nobody like God watching us and checking if we all really live up to the expectations of the sexual identity which we were endowed with.

also, it is possible to change your sexual preference. SO if you now desire men, then need not mean that the past 10 years you lived in denial or something like that of your one true sexual identity. Maybe you changed... (O my God, I hope nobody construes your story into "Cure for Homosexuality found! Combination of Anti-depressants and the pill turn lesbians into heterosexuals")

Take a deep breath.

You can always send me a message if you want to talk (that is, write) more.

Good luck and take care, and keep breathing.

jojojo's picture


I just read your second little comment (the reply to the other person who answered) and want to add:

Your relationship does not have to end unless you or your girlfriend wants it to end! (I realize I have this tendency to advise you to stay with her. Maybe it is because I also have a very bad view about straight life, maybe "despise" is not even to strong a word for me either...)
and maybe figure out together with her if you want any other arrangements, like I sayd, maybe you could still have sex with men while staying with her. Really, why not. Gay couples are supposed to do it all the time (and of course that's really true only for some gay couples, as well as for other couples).

If you want to have something with men without all the "despicable" associations of straight life, maybe look for bisexual men. Also, I can imagine that you are more likely to be able to connect emotionally with them than with straight men. Because straight men, as straight people in general, are usually so ignorant. Bisexual men or gay-identified men who are in a situation like you are would probably be more likely to understand you. Or, well I don't know where you live, but if there is a vibrant queer community, you might find all kinds of people there. I don't know of yourse, if you are into queer community life.

Fawn's picture

Thank you so much to the both

Thank you so much to the both of you :) Youve made me feel more at peace with life. The thing is that while my hormones went wild, so did everything that comes with being a woman. I started wanting pregnancy and thought it would be wonderful to create a child from making love to a man I love, and then came the thoughts of religion. I never felt like homosexuality was a sin because this is how God had created me. But now that I had doubts (and had had NONE for the past 10 years), I began questionning if homosexuality did even exist of if it was indeed a sin and that I was just turning towards the light. You know what I mean? My identity of who I am was so violentely shattered that it brought up so many questions and fears, and I do know deep down that there is such a thing as homosexuality but in my struggling I was completely lost. You are totally right about continuing my relationship with my gf and have sex on the side with someone else. Again I dont know if it would feel right to do that, but its an option. Im afraid my gf would be terribly hurt tho, and only think about the other person when she holds me. And yes if I did try it with a guy Id want him to be gay! lol... Maybe a gay who wants to try with a girl? I wouldnt want the gay to fall in love with me or me fall in love with him, if I could? But Im afraid if he was completely gay there wouldnt be much action between the sheets. There is something incredibly appealing (to me) about gay guys. I dont like them to be too girly, but be shaped like a girl (or those tyoes of gay that look like they came out of a fashion show), with longer hair and a feminine side. Anyway thanks a lot for the advice :)

jeff's picture


Well, take straight off the list of options, so that will make things easier. since you've already been in love with women, you're just wondering whether to add guys to the mix at this point, so debating whether you have a heterosexual identity seems a bit abrupt.

This reads as more biological clock than heterosexual issues.

Anti-depressants are a huge factor. So, I wouldn't make any huge life decisions having just come off of them.

Break everything down into steps.

First, do you want to be with your current partner? Once you figure that out you can decide whether to have kids, etc.

I question any newfound heterosexuality that requires penetration for the sake of conception, and the guy needs to be gay.

I don't think bisexuality gives you license to have one partner of each gender, especially if your girlfriend wants monogamy. It just means that you CAN have a relationship with someone of either gender. You don't necessarily get to double up.

So, I think the best advice is to go slow. Make no hasty decisions. Communicate what's going on with your partner. Don't feel the need to find a new label immediately.

"I could eat a knob at night." -- Karl Pilkington

the mouse that roared's picture

to add to what has already been said:

Definitely be open with your gf if you decide to become poly/want to experiment with guys. Discuss it with her. She deserves to know.

Also, why the prejudice against straights?

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

hellonwheels's picture

wow, that was a lot of info...

I can honestly say, however, that i know how hard it is to question ur sexuality, because though I've been 90% sure that I'm gay for years, there's still that occasional feeling for a girl that is there. I think it may have been the pill that you were on that was causing this, but as I'm not a doctor, i can't tell you for sure. I think that there is a possibility that you are bi, leanining towards women. I think you should definilty talk with your girlfriend about what is going on; It's always good to keep open dialougue about issues that affect both of you. It would be a shame if something as minor as this and how often you have sex ruin a 2-year relationship. Good luck, and if you ever need to talk about it, feel free to message me. Later.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

elkster's picture

In your shoes

I'm totally in your shoes. I'm taking medication for various stuff and my sex drive was non-existent. I've been a gay guy for as long as I can remember, in fact the same as you around 12 years old.

I'm in a long distance relationship with a wonderful guy (3 years), who seems to be the equivalent in a male that your girlfriend is to you. The only difference is that he has quite a sex drive(!). I don't want to be straight either, I want to be happy with my boyfriend. He's moving over here pretty soon so we can be together.

Suddenly, last weekend, I start having thoughts about women.

I understand completely where you're coming from and how confused/scared you are. The one thing I can say is that if I am bisexual, I'd never go sleeping with another person no matter how much I wanted it. My boyfriend is way more important to me than that.