current stress, summer plans, and the possibility of being outed to my parents come the fall

sugarmagnolia's picture

Now that classes are over, and I don't have any finals until friday, I've been putting off studying and have been on this website way more than usual. So I figured I might as well post something, even though my brain is rather jumbled up to get actual coherent thoughts out.

I've been stressing a lot about philosophy. Well, maybe not stressing, but just not having a definate religion and being rather unsure of things leaves one feeling really out of it. The feeling comes and goes, in various degrees of strength, but I think being away at a school where I don't know many people and can't relate to those that I live with for this long has brought it on full force. I feel very out of touch with everything. I don't know, 'tis strange, but I think once I go home and see my good friends I'll be more back to normal. I can't wait till the 18th. That's the day my best friend gets home, and I get home two days before. I really just want to sit and talk to her, but it's the kind of thing that can't really be done over the phone.l Not only coming out, but just talking to her about everything that goes on, she's one person I can really relate to, and we usually understand each other pretty well even if we don't always agree.

I've also been working on plans for this summer. I was talking to one of my guy friends, who really want to go hiking and stuff. I was trying to convince him to go rock climbing too (if you're already on the mountain, you might as well go for it) but he's being a wimp. Anyway, we wanted to plan a weekend trip, which would be cool, but he pointed out that it might be a bit of a problem if we can't find any other girls to go. (my one friend who I know would be really into it is injured and wouldn't be able to). I don't see this as a problem (hell, I really, really, don't want to have sex with them) but he does, not knowing that I'm gay, and he thinks his parents would care. I don't think mine would, they know him well enough, and even if they did mind, I'm 20, so it doesn't really matter. And at this point I think my parents would just be happy for the possiblity that I was doing something with guys (little do they know...) so anyway, that would be awesome.

I'm applying to 2 summer camps too, both for special needs kids, which would be a lot of fun. They're both residential, so it'd be way less stressful than spending the summer with my family (yes, supervising young children with autism 24/7 for 6 weeks would be less stressful than spending time with my family). So hopefully I get hired by at least one of the camps. If not I'll end up waitressing. (oh the joy).

I'm looking forward to the fall semesters. I'm taking some pretty cool classes, one being applied behavioral analysis (ABA), and the other being survery in cognition and perception, both psych classes. I have 14 credits total so far, and am debating taking more, but none of those classes are all that exciting. Also, in the fall I will start coming out, and with join the school's LGBT club, and the feminist organiszation, plus continuing with hiking and climbing, so I'll know more people. The only problem is that my younger cousin might end up coming here, which would be totally awesome if I didn't have to worry about my gayness. She's pretty liberal, but if I'm out on campus, she's liable to share that info with other family members, which would eventually make it's way to my parents, who would hang me by my toenails in the dungeon (or something like that). but she might be cool about it, I don't know. I think I migh just be out anyway, even if she does come here, just because I'm sick of being in the closet. I think at this point it's worth the risk of my parents finding out and going into hysterics... worst comes to worst I'll take out a shitload of loans and live nomadically at various friends' houses during vacations. No sense worrying about it though, when I'm not even positive she's coming here.

Well, if you're still reading, I'm must say I'm impressed at your extreme abitlity to withstand rambling. I think I'll go back to studying chemistry now... or something like that... I don't know.


the mouse that roared's picture


Good luck with coming out to your friend. It sounds like she'll probably take it pretty well. Yeah, I wouldn't worry too much about your cousin if she does come to school with you in the fall. If you want, you can ask her to not say anything about it to the family. She'll probably understand. I hope you have fun this summer (despite hanging around the autistic kids who are better fun than your family)!

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

sugarmagnolia's picture

will definately have fun if i

will definately have fun if i get to work at camp... kids are awesome, it may be hard work, but the kids are totally awesome

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

shinedownkicksyouras's picture

Good luck with getting into s

Good luck with getting into summer camps, it's alot of fun I have never been o special needs camps but it has got to be way more rewarding than the camps i work at. Despite the stress it is so worht it

Don't feel the need to define me...I can define myslef