giving up, on Everything?

greenmind's picture

I've given up on changing people, changing them and stopping them from usung degrading terms when they speak about GLBT people. It frustrates me, yes it does that they don't stop but I can't really do anything so I'll be good and not use degrading terms.
My math teacher pulled me out of class while she was teaching to ask me if I was depressed, the answer is honestly I don't know. I don't like who I am or where I'm going and I'm not so sure how I'm going to change my future. It isn't like I'm doing bad things like setting fires but I don't do such positive things either.
I felt like jumping out of a ten story window but there isn't a building that tall around here. And to do something such as that would be selfesh and unkind. I'm tired of the abuse. Abuse when peop,le say I can't be who I am. Abuse when I'm not ever good enough all I do is try my hardest and fail every time.
I want to succeed.
I was crying in first hour when I was trying to write my memoir. I have changed my topic to be when I came out to the first person and well... honestly I don't think I can do it in four days. Because what happened when I came out was just painful and probably what started the cycle of horror. When I told the first person they said I was going to rot in hell and that I wasn't suppose to be this way, god didn't love me. And I ran down stairs to my kitchen to get a knife. I layed the knife down and cried until I fell asleep. I was thinking of ways to end my life. I didn't know what to do. What are you suppose to do when someone tells you awful things like that?
Throw me a line of rope I need realing in. Save Me....

Comments

frizzfro45's picture

we all feel depressed sometim

we all feel depressed sometimes, some of us more than others, i get so depressed, but i could never even think about killing myself, i have too much ahead of me, too much planned out in my life. I am in this program called B.A.B.E.S. we go to the elementary school and teach second graders about drugs and alcohol mostly, but we do this one lesson which we did last week. Accepting the things we cannot change, and changing the things we can. I don't mean to be preaching to you, or making you feel degraded, but i have to tell you, one things we tell the kids is that they may not be able to change some things, but they have a little control over their feelings, and they have control over what type of person they become, and what they decide to do with their lives. You may not feel happy with yourself right now, but you have to remember that you may not be able to change every aspect of your life, but you can change how you feel about things, and how you deal with things. I am not trying to be mean or anything, i just want you to know, that even though i don't really know you, i am here for you, and i luv ya.

the easiest way is not the best way, the best way, is the hardest way to live, you get more out of life, you get more out of yourself

mags15's picture

i feel as if i'm not doing th

i feel as if i'm not doing that great in life either, but i think that you are a great person and deserve the best.

the mouse that roared's picture

huge hug!

Wow, I'm glad I read journal entries today. Checked on you cause you're a pretty cool cookie, and now you're talking about killing yourself. It does sound like you're depressed, or at least at the end of your rope. Have you heard my suicide lecture? Oh, right, you have, but I'll repeat it anyway.

Suicide doesn't solve anything. It pretty much tears up lives around you, and it stops you from experiencing what you would have experienced had you lived. Laughter, new friendships, growth, love--yes, love, yes, it even happens to gay people. You can't let what they think get you down so much that you want to hurt yourself--it's their problem, not yours. You are perfectly normal. Do you want to become just another statistic because they're being ignorant bitches?

You are beautiful. Don't give up. There are always people here. We can only give you words, but the people around you can give you company. Reach out to them. Keep on asking for help until you get it. There are people that care. Life will get better.

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

humansexual's picture

Yep.

I get depressed sometimes too. It doesn't mean that who you are is wrong, it just means that the people around you are too much of dumbass, narrow-minded pricks to accept you for it. Their faults, not yours. I've been kicked around, and abused, verbally, physically, whatever, too, to the point of depression and anger and... lots of... bad... stuff... just don't give up. You're not going to rot in hell. And if you are, so are about 10 million other people, for the same fucking reason. This site is -filled- with people thinking the same exact things, feeling the same exact things, and having to go through the same exact shit that you are, so you're not alone. A lot of us know what it's like, and all of us, including me, are here for you, so... be strong. Lol. Don't give up.
Me Heart You.

magnetic_pulse's picture

Sometimes it hard not to beli

Sometimes it hard not to believe what people say to you when youre constantly told youre a horrible person for being you. Just know that when people say those things it is more about themselves than it is about you. Ignorance and insecurities can get in the way of how they handle situations and without actually asking themselves if what theyre about to say to you is justifiable they will say it anyways. Also on the "going to hell" part. People who say that are not well informed. No where in the bible does it say youre going to hell for being homosexual. Nor does Jesus or God say it, in fact it was Paul who said something about it. Try not to think youre a bad person for feeling horrible about this either. It happens to us all and just know that youre not the only one. There are millions of people going through it. When people tell you awful things like that, mention that you think it's more about themselves than it is you. Tell them to think hard about that. It will set people back.Wether or not they act like it made an impact, it will. Im not here to save you though, youre helping yourself by talking about it instead of holding it in. My name is Dean. Anytime you want to talk you can come to me.