i find that the more i think about my gayness, and the more i'm able to let the denial slip away, the better i feel in general. i think this site is a really good resource, just a place to post without having to worry what people will think. after having spent so long ignoring feelings, and even being in denial about being in denial (if that makes sense) it's very good to just sit and be comfortable with myself. gay gay gay. woo-hoo. i've been feeling much more emotional lately, but not in the usual panicky type way that i'm used to. more just actually feeling happy or sad, and for a specific, identifable reason, which is nice. i'm also starting to realize that i'm a fairly sensual person, as opposed to as detached as i thought i was. all new things, but finally getting used to it.
i have two more finals, then i get to go home, and finally come out to my best friend. i'm not even nervous yet, though i'm sure i will be when the time actually comes, but right now i'm just releived to feel like i have the ability to tell some one. and i think finding out that i'm gay will be less of a shock than when she found out that i was a cheerleader for a couple of years in grade school. haha. wasn't exactly the most girly cheerleader though... anyways. i'm taking a break from studying tonight and going rock climbing, which will be fun, even though the weather sucks right now. it's an indoor gym, till i improve enough to go outdoors, so the only thing i have to worry about as far as weather is the walk over to meet everyone. until then, i think i'm going to rest for a while, listen to some jill sobule, and read some dostoevsky.