I'm happy with who I am, generally, but that hasn't happened for quite some time now. Just knowing that makes my sister's taunting bearable, and then I just start to think about myself more. Why do I listen to her? is it anything to do with how she says it'd be no big deal if I'd just ADMIT it, but if it wouldn't be a big deal, why does she MAKE it a big deal?
Sometimes all I feel I'm good at is avoiding subjects I don't want to talk about. She's gone and looked around my myspace, but I haven't blantantly stated YES I'M A LESBIAN. I've just clued in my rather small list of friends. They don't talk to her, she doesn't talk to them, and they're all cool... all on my long totally stressed out road of being 'out'.
Sometimes it seems to be a big deal to me, sometimes it doesn't. Now that we're moving, I'm having to rethink my approach altogether - everyone I have told has known me for a while and just assumed I was straight. If I make new friends, I'm just not sure how to handle anything... I could come out right then like it's nothing out of the ordinary, but could I handle that in my own mind?... I'm just too damn indecisive sometimes.
The other option is I could just not say anything at all like I've done for who knows how long.
I guess I'll just go with the flow - whatever happens happens, and I'll just take it.
But in more recent friendships... Sheila wrote to me after three months of completely ignoring me - Iwas actually much happier when she WASN'T talking to me.
But she wrote this bullshit:
You were right. Im wrong about shitty friends. I know you hate me, so Im saying Im sorry. I dont blame you to not forgive me, in fact thats not what Im asking. You should be treated BETTER than I treated you. You did nothing. It was my fault. I noticed I lost more than a good girlfriend. I lost a best friend. Just to let you know Im sorry for all that bullshit talk and for treating you awful.
After how things went, I'm not putting up with her anymore - she's miserable? SO WHAT? Ryu decided to try and talk to me too, and I'm just sick of both of them! I don't like it how people seem to think I'm STUPID and then try and fix things when they realize they were WRONG. If I wasn't 'good enough' back then, why the hell should I even bother now?
When people make me feel like shit for that long, I have no reason to go back to them.
I must admit, if she wanted to leave me with the final impression that she is and IDIOT, that sure did work. She handed that note to Amir, the guy who suddenly thinks I'm 'hot' and also the one who grabbed my ass, and I don't know if he read it or WHAT, but then my sister got a hold of it, so how STUPID can she be when she could have EMAILED the goddamn thing!
We're figured out pretty much where we're going to school next year. Me and my sister both agreed we are NOT moving into Oxnard itself, because we've been told by people and did our own research, you'll just get shot.
Moorpark and Camarillo are the two candidates now.
Whatever. If my sister really has to be picky about which middle school she goes to, she can do her own damn research, 'cause i'm only interested in finding which high school i'd rather go to.
Things seem to be looking slightly more upward, if not up entirely.
Except for the fact that I'm having to be really careful around certain subjects... such as boyfriends.
My friends Miranda and Nina are cool with a lot of stuff and everything, but they're 14. It'd really hard to think that fourteen year olds would NOT flip out if they knew what was really bugging me. I wrote Sheila off as a 'friend' who treated me like shit, which is true and all, but theres more to that story...
and then there's the whole thing that Nina reminds me too much of me - maybe it's just her parents being superstrict that she shows almost no interest in boys - aside from the ones that look like girls. and it just makes me wonder... I'm probably way off, but my imagination runs wild and I wonder if anybody ever wondered about me... I mean, we talk about lots of stuff, but not anything to do with guys... or girls... It's just a hunch, and curiousity is just KILLING me. I know, I know, she's young, so whatever. but... does anyone really know anything in middle school?... I know back in middle school, I was petrified to be anything that would spark the wrath of my 'friends'... She does talk to me about how everyone at school insists that she's a lesbian, and I don't think she thinks she is, and I don't know what to think myself, but middle schoolers are stupid... Middle school is a horrible time.
I've grown quite fond of the color pink.... odd.