Too young for love? But too serious for a crush...

Ward's picture

I wrote this in the car...
Ever felt like your heart is being ripped out of your chest, and you feel physically sick when you can't be near someone?
There's this girl I love and that's how I feel. My throat closes, my stomach flips, my heart feels like it's being ripped out, and I feel sick when I'm not near her. She's like a drug and I'm addicted. Whenever I'm with her, nothing is wrong, but whenever we say goodbye, I go into withdrawal. Emotional withdrawal. It would almost feel better if I had the shakes and the sweats, but I'm left with this feeling no onbe can see or help me with and I'm stuck in my own head. She has no idea how beautiful she is. Everytimeshe gets a piece of hair in her face, I want to brush it back. Any reason to touch her. To touch that face, to show her how much I love her. Somehow send a message throuhgt my gentle touch. But I know if I do touch her, even something as innocent as brushing her hair out of her face, I wouldn't be able to stop. And what's worse than not being able to touch her, is the thought of rejection. If she rejected me, I don't know what I would do. If I lost her friendship because of my stupid feelings. It hurts to be around her and not be able to touch her, kiss her, hold her and tell her I love her, I'll always love her. But it doesn't hurt as much as not being near her, not being able to see her smile, her beautiful face. When she says she's cold, I want to tell her I'll warm her up with my body and my love. Because the love that burns in me could warm us both up. I'll catch on fire if I keep it in any longer. We don't need sweaters, or any clothes at all. But it's not sex I want, I want her love, and sex as a result of that. I want to be able to touch her when I want to, to put my hands on her waist and show others she's mine. I want to shout from the rooftops that I love her, and she loves me. I'd be the luckiest girl in the world. That the most beautiful girl in the world chose ME. I put my hand on the car door, and my hand shakes from the vibration, but that's how I feel inside, Like I'm shaking. There's a volcano in me, threatening to explode. It's lain dormant for years and now that I've realized my love for her, it's rumbling, shaking violently. She gives me energy, energy I didn't know I had. God it hurts inside. I'm going to explode. And I can't get over her. I don't look at other girls because she's all I see. She fills my senses. When I close my eyes, I see her. I can't have silence, or I hear her voice. That beautiful voice that could sing to me forever, and I'd beam the whole time, my heart bursting. I want to taste her, to taste all of her. To pleasure her, give her the pleasure that she gives me just by seeing her or hearing her. When she's sad or angry or upset, I just want to hold her while she cries, or rants, or screams. I want to hold her every night. Everynight for the rest of our lives. What I want most is to be ABLE to do all that. We go for a walk, and my heart jumps because I envision us kissing. That she'll turn to me and say she feels the same way. And I'm always disappointed. Can my heart sink any lower? Can the hole get any bigger? I'd cancel everything in my life just to spend more time with her. I almost want to get in a fight with her, just to be able to stop this love feeling for a few minutes. To be angry at her, just so it wouldn't hurt for awhile. We get her siblings some breakfast, or we team up and each of us disciplines one of them when they do something wrong. I imagine us having our own kids, doing that. To marry her, give her my last name, or taking hers. So we can show we belong to each other. To wake up next to her every morning. To see her beautiful face. To put my arm around her and fall asleep. To watch her dress and undress. I crave her. I crave her like an incredible urge for a cigarette, or a drink, or a hit of heroine. I'm depressed without her and it's like the sun comes out when she's near me. Like I've been cold and hard until she came and unthawed me. I imagine the little things, like kissing her on my way out the door, or telling her I love her and hearing it back whe we say goodbye on the phone. To look at my finger and see that band symbolizing our uniopn, our love, unbreakable. I want her to be the first and only girl I've ever been with. I want to scream, to tell someone, everyone, of my love for her. Why is that so wrong? They say love is wonderful. It is and it isn't. My heart bursts with happiness when she's near. But it's horrible that I can't touch her, kiss her, hold her. I want to take care of her when she's sick. Put a blanket over her and a cool cloth on her forehead. To make her feel better. I want to grow old with her, to be an old woman holding her hand as we walk down the street. I want to buy her things. To spend all my money giving her things that make her happy. She deserves it. Even if all I get is just a smile, it would make my week. I want to take all her sorrows away, but I also don't. Then I wouldn't have an excuse to hold her. She flirts with me and it hurts, but I don't want her to stop, because it's the closest thing I can come to the real thing. Why does love have to hurt? I want to hurt physically, just so I could take my mind off the emotional pain. It hurts. I hurt. Everything hurts. Why?

Comments

Sunny Rays's picture

There's nothing that I can sa

There's nothing that I can say. I'm sorry that it hurts so much.

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.