A rant!

adamsfrood42's picture

Whew. Funny story about my job, and working last night.

I work with a lesbian couple. A member of this couple, named G., is my first same-sex crush (I'm 18). Like most people on this site, I suspected there was something "off" about me for a while before meeting her, but yeah, she was my first real crush-crush. Actually, my first crush-crush period. But I digress. It took me almost six months, but eventually, on a bit of a whim, I told her how I felt about her. Not only was she okay with it, but she thought it was adorable. AND, her partner, S., was cool with it too, and thought it was funny. So they tease me a lot, in a friendly kind of way.

Anyway, I was at work last night, and I was carrying a desk out for a customer (I work at Office Depot). He stood back from the door for me and said "Ladies first," and as a joke, I called back to G., "Hey, G., do I really count as a lady?" And she laughed, and nodded. So I took the guy's stuff out, and then came back in and started stocking some stuff. She came up behind me and whispered in my ear, "Come on, now. If you weren't a lady, why would I flirt with you?"

And it hit me like a ton of bricks. Literally, I thought I might stop breathing. It was a combination of two things: The shock of "OHMYGODSHETHINKSI'MCUTESHE'SFLIRTINGWITHMEOHMYGOD!", and then the realization that that was really what was happening. Up until that point, I'd still kind of associated the term "flirt" with boys. I sat down on an empty aisle and actually said out loud to myself, "That's it, isn't it? That's what you're doing! You're really, honest to God, flirting! Not only that, but you're flirting with more intensity than you EVER have with a guy!" It was like waking up. It was like realizing for the first time what was really going on, and not being able to lie to myself anymore. It really, really hit home for me last night...I'm almost sure, now, that I'm bi.

And yet, I can't help wondering. 18 is awfully old to be having my FIRST same-sex crush. How can I be sure it isn't a phase? I hope it's not...I'm enjoying it too much. :P

Then again, this is my first authentic crush EVER, hetero or homo. So. Perhaps it's not a phase, and I just realized a bit later than most? I didn't have fantasies about ANYONE until I was almost 16 and a half...only been kissed by three people in my entire life (twice by boyfriends, once by a girl at a party (INCREDIBLE PARTY!). I don't know. I'm confused. I'm out to most of my friends...I confided all of this in them when I first confided in G. I'd love for my parents to know...I have times when I just feel compelled to spit it flat out, get it in the open. But I don't want to tell them until I'm absolutely sure...and, as dramatically as it hit me last night, the last vestiges of denial are kind of clinging to the back of my mind. I guess what I'm asking is, did anyone else on here actually go through a phase, and have it pass? Were any of you this old when you had your first crush? Just curious. And looking for someone to talk to, I guess. Confused, and a little lonely. :)

SilentBlue's picture

I had my first serious crush,

I had my first serious crush, which happened to be on a girl, in 8th grade, so I was 13 or 14. I don't think 18 is too old to be having your first same-sex crush though, different people discover things about themselves at different times and no one stops discovering new things.

jojojo's picture

Hey. It seems to me like "t

It seems to me like "the last vestiges of denial" are really just the last vestiges of denial and nothing more. No good reason to keep you from telling your parents, considering that you want to tell them.

You say you are not COMPLETELY sure, but I think if you are a person who thinks a lot and doubts a lot (I don't know if you are that kind of person) then you can never be COMPLETELY sure. Like, you say, you have a serious crush and all that, so what do you want more as a confirmation that you are not completely straight? A second crush? A third crush? Well, that can't give you complete certainty either that there will always be another crush. I don't know if I am making sense, but I just want to tell you that you should not look for 100% certainty. 90% certainty is enough.
Also, what would be the alternative? That you are straight? Well, that seems kind of unlikely right?

Don't feel pressured because you think you are "too old" to have your first crush. I think that's nonsense. I had some (same-sex) crushes in my early teens, even though I only recognized them as such to a limited extent. Or I guess I recognized them somehow, but I did NEVER ever even think of the possibility that something more might happen from them. I wrote in my diary that I am in love (in one case), and in the other case I wrote that if I were a guy now, I would say that I am in love with, or crushing on, that girl. I also did not make a conclusion that I could be different in terms of my sexuality from other girls. Well and then my first (same-sex) crush which I really recognized as such, and where I say the possibility of it materializing (and which also materialized) was at age 16. But I have not had many crushed since then. SO that's more or less about me...
You can also tell people those things you are really sure about. Like if you tell your parents that you have a crush on a girl/woman, that's something you are sure about, right? And if you then see "bi" as a word which people in society use to describe people who have some interest (of that sort) in people of their own sex as well as in people from the other one, then okay, why not accept to use this word too.
For me, it always seemed much easier, and more natural, to tell people something like "This is my girlfriend" or "I was in love with another girl" than to tell them "I am a lesbian" or "I am bi". MAybe because I always could not figure out which of the two describes me best, so whatever I said, there was always this little sense of not telling completely the truth.

Good luck, and enjoy your crush :-)

Anonymous's picture

Hey you figured it out WAY be

Hey you figured it out WAY before I did, I was 20 before I clued in totally.


"Secrecy is the art of hiding unbeknownst information from people." ~ Ilpalazzo

the ghost's picture

Hey.I'm 20 and I still don't

Hey.I'm 20 and I still don't really know what I am,so no I don't think your too old to only be finding this out about yourself now. :-)