As alarmingly dreary as Accounting may be,
Upon flipping and cringing through pages
Of painful debit and credit
I never truly understood what these systems meant
and the dichotomy of life …
Because it’s everywhere,
this double entry
and one seldom sees that which is lewdly
Close to us,
Forcing itself upon us,
Planning tests and trials
trying to trap us in a web of failure and self-contempt-
In this life where all things are negatively marked-
and for every sacrifice and investment of love or sweat
the garbage you give is the garbage you get.
but when you are close to me
the physics of our physiques comply
with even Newton’s third law of motion
you have me locked
down in this state
of near paralysis-
and your every action
evokes heated wants I cannot rein in,
And even when your cool warmth is not
pressed against my heated cold,
I am equally damned as I am delivered.
And when I talk to you over the phone
In hushed tones at 1 a.m.
"because I couldn't make it through the week"
I feel my back thaw over
As you whisper to me
And calm my secret yearnings-
It's only after I’ve hung up
and am listening to the long moan
of the punch-drunk dialtone
11 minutes away from your voice, that
in the quiet of the room and
The vacant spaces between
The black lines of a languishing general ledger
the spaces between my fingers
are meant to be filled
And I get it!
I finally grasp it!
The beauty of double entry
That human ideal!
And the tragedy of sex,
how as you freeze me over,
I burn you right through-
thus leaving us both wanting thereafter,
too cold, and you
but oh the sweetness of the fiery bliss in two earthly
when that dependency,
that addiction, is indulged.
When duality meshes
all of life’s messes in two beautiful columns!
as I wish for you to save my fate
and forever be my yang
I am reminded that for every overwhelming joy shared
where the molten heart’s magma simmers-
There is a thundering grief privately beared
that glares at us
in thick unfiltered beams
through the shutters of denial.