so i'm hoping my writing this doesn't wake my sister up. one, she'd be pissed because she has school in the morning, and two, she has no clue i'm gay. well, maybe a small clue at this point, but i'm certainly not out. to anyone. which is part of the reason i wanted to post again. i haven't in a while because it's hard to find a moment of peace in this house, and even when they do pop up my sister is usually somewhere close. but anyway. i'd planned on coming out to my bestfriend, but then we were just sitting, talking, and i didn't say anything about being gay. it's not like i didn't have opportunities either. the subject of homosexuality came up. there were openings. i just didn't want to interupt our nice conversation and spend time going on about whatever would have surfaced as a result. we talked about school, and politics,f future plans... i know, i just... i didn't want to talk about how i knew and explain the homophobic denial stage and have weird awkward pauses. i'm such a procrastinator. just with life in general, at least most people limit those bad habits to school work. i'm 20 and have never kissed a girl. it's not good. and i'm so very very gay. women are beautiful. to to the point that it's like an aching in one's soul over the beauty. the more comfortable i get with my sexuality the more i realize that i'm such a freaking sensualist. i never knew that about myself. i have no real way of meeting girls that may possibly be interested in me romantically though. i'd hoped and dreamed and fantasized that when i came out to my best friend she'd confess some passionte crush she had on me, but the more i think about it the more i realize that it's only a fantasy. i think that may be part of the reason i've been putting off coming out. i need to meet women though. i went out to dinner last night with a group of friends, and my best friend was so beautiful i could have died. she has this fair, perfect skin, that's just ever so slightly scattered with freckles, and these huge deep blue eyes, she doesn't wear make-up but her lips are the most beautiful shade of pink. her hair's redish, and she had it pulled back into a loose bun, with just a few strands hanging down to frame her face. even her neck is beautiful. and then in the car she was driving and i was in the passenger seat, and there's a problem with the wimdow controls so she reached over to show me how to fix it, and she rested her delicate hand just above my knee. if only she realized how many of the things she does that leave me absolutely breathless. leaning over the table playing pool, sitting backwards on a chair... i feel bad, she may suspect that i'm not really quite straight, but i don't think she has an inkling as to how i really feel about her. i get this like 'dirty-old-man' feeling when i catch myself checking out girls who i'm pretty sure are straight and would not be comfortable if they knew i thought they were pretty. anyway, i think i've let enough out so that i can sleep tonight.