transgendersexualism WHAT?

Aidan's picture

I knew I was different when I was 4. Oh preschool, what a lifechanging abundance of self discovery you are.

Since the time I punched David Bernstein in the face for calling me a girl, till the day I bawled myself to sleep when I got my first period. Breasts were a problem for me too. They're large! Cumbersome! They move! They serve me no purpose! Every step of puberty was another where I internally fought my very body. So I told myself what I thought I needed to hear. You're just too frumpy. If you were pretty, you'd be happy with how you look. So I dieted. I primped. I combed. I shaved. I waxed. I became the girl of every heterosexual boy's dreams. But it still wasn't right. I couldn't understand why I looked in the mirror and wanted to destroy the very cocoon I had built for myself. Deep down, I wanted to wear cargo shorts, mandals, muscle shirts, swim trunks. But this made no sense to me. I liked boys! I couldn't be a boy. Even the sound of my own name made me cringe. Julia. Naturally, my parents saddled me with a feminine name complete with ribbons and bows.

The word transgendered never meant anything to me. That was for Drag Queens hookers. I never thought it could apply to me. One day, I cracked. I couldn't live with myself anymore. I OD'd on painkillers, and in my darkest of hours in the teen psych ward at the local hospital, I opened up. I cried. I told them every single hateful thought that had ever confused. And my counselor just looked me in the eye and said, sweetie, have you ever wondered if you were a transboy? Gender Identity has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. A transgendered man can be gay. This was a revelation to me. I never thought I could be a gay man. All of my best friends were gay boys. But they weren't just my friends. They were my role models. I had always envied their clothes, their hair, and their boyfriends. I wanted to be them. And I finally understood why.

I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
And a year after that fateful revelation, I'm as ok with that as a transman ever is. Because my dreams are still filled with changing my exterior, but now, I have hope. I dream of realities.

I dream of me.

Comments

msquared's picture

Wow

Wow, that's quite a story! I hope everything turns out great for you and remember there's plenty of people here to support you!
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"Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible." T.E. Lawrence

jojojo's picture

I wish you good luck! I am gl

I wish you good luck! I am glad to read that now things are better than they used to be.
It is really mean that this idea always gets reinforced that if you like boys you must be a girl. It is so much nonsense, and so much pain could be overcome if that idea was no longer sustained.

dancinrainbows09's picture

Im glad that you are so happy

Im glad that you are so happy and comfortable with the fact that you are trans. That is an amazing thing. I am so happy for you.

tricklin's picture

Reading your story truly touc

Reading your story truly touched me. I hope your dreams will be fufilled.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
- Jimi Hendrix