ah i'm bored. well. not really bored just a little off i guess. 'cause there are so much things running through my head & its kinda driving me crazy. damn. i never would've thought that i could stand by and think of all the things thats happen to me & wish that none of it happened. what is up with that? idk. i probably know the answer but just in denial 'cause its all that keeps me from the truth and what i'm really like. yeah. so many people think they know me & i don't blame 'um 'cause i can be as open as a damn book. but no one knows the person that lies deep inside. NO! i'm not asking for help, pity, charity, or anything of that matter. i don't even know why i'm writing all this in a blog. damn. what's wrong with me? shit i wish that i could accept the truth. it'll be much easier but i'm afraid of hurting. its too much but i need to do it 'cause its not going away. it keeps on building and building & i'm getting deeper and deeper in it. IT? ah. love//lust//like IT is. i don't know how i can go on each day making like nothings gonna happen, no ones gonna notice, & i'm not gonna get caught. i just want to be alone. but how can i do that when people keep on coming into my life, leave me when things come good, and come back into my life like nothing was wrong. how can love [or whatever it is] feel like shiit & the best feeling in the world at the same time? why can't things be easy? oh yeah. nothing is easy. fuck. that's the truth right there. i can't do this anymore. i want to get my life straight and stop hurting; myself & those i love and care for. shiit. i never realized how much of a mess i'm in. i'm screwed. no one to blame but myself. no one deserves the hurt more than i do. its better to do it now than later when it will feel much more worse & i can't get out of it without hurting someone more than i would now. the consequences? damn. i'd have to live with them. but its better than living a life thinking that everythings alright...and it isn't. this is about being honest with myself & everyone else. thinking. damn. has my life been a lie? how long will i go and think i know the truth but it really is a lie? fuck. too much thinking. i need some sleep. ok. night everyone & be safe.