.realization.

808Chik's picture

ah i'm bored. well. not really bored just a little off i guess. 'cause there are so much things running through my head & its kinda driving me crazy. damn. i never would've thought that i could stand by and think of all the things thats happen to me & wish that none of it happened. what is up with that? idk. i probably know the answer but just in denial 'cause its all that keeps me from the truth and what i'm really like. yeah. so many people think they know me & i don't blame 'um 'cause i can be as open as a damn book. but no one knows the person that lies deep inside. NO! i'm not asking for help, pity, charity, or anything of that matter. i don't even know why i'm writing all this in a blog. damn. what's wrong with me? shit i wish that i could accept the truth. it'll be much easier but i'm afraid of hurting. its too much but i need to do it 'cause its not going away. it keeps on building and building & i'm getting deeper and deeper in it. IT? ah. love//lust//like IT is. i don't know how i can go on each day making like nothings gonna happen, no ones gonna notice, & i'm not gonna get caught. i just want to be alone. but how can i do that when people keep on coming into my life, leave me when things come good, and come back into my life like nothing was wrong. how can love [or whatever it is] feel like shiit & the best feeling in the world at the same time? why can't things be easy? oh yeah. nothing is easy. fuck. that's the truth right there. i can't do this anymore. i want to get my life straight and stop hurting; myself & those i love and care for. shiit. i never realized how much of a mess i'm in. i'm screwed. no one to blame but myself. no one deserves the hurt more than i do. its better to do it now than later when it will feel much more worse & i can't get out of it without hurting someone more than i would now. the consequences? damn. i'd have to live with them. but its better than living a life thinking that everythings alright...and it isn't. this is about being honest with myself & everyone else. thinking. damn. has my life been a lie? how long will i go and think i know the truth but it really is a lie? fuck. too much thinking. i need some sleep. ok. night everyone & be safe.

take cares.

Comments

Sway's picture

Ok, first of all, nobody, I m

Ok, first of all, nobody, I mean NOBODY deserves being hurt. Do you get that? N-O-B-O-D-Y. Never blame yourself for being lost and lonely and hurt, even if it's somehow a bit of your fault. Please. Life is indeed a mess and I've brooded enough in my life to know that it's not gonna get anywhere near happiness if you don't just tell to the depressed voice inside you "OH SHUT UP".

Yeah, maybe ur screwed. I'm screwed too. We're all screwed. And maybe it's easier for me to snap at you for giving up rather than myself becoz I'm giving up at the same time. But, we can do it for each other. I'll yell at you becoz, girl, YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE UP. And then, come and yell at me, please.

Denying yourself? I guess you mean you don't want to admit you like girls. Is that it? Yep, I used to deny myself to myself. Now I just deny what I am to others. I'm ok with me but I don't want to risk others not being ok with me. So, just start with realising yourself, at least a bit. You're gay / bi, fine. Repeat after me: I'm Gay and it's fine. ;)

Don't do sth stupid! :(
Also, plz divide in paragraphs, plz... It's really difficult to read it this way. Plz?... :)

I just want somebody listening to what I say...

808Chik's picture

oh. i'm sorry. it was like 1

oh. i'm sorry. it was like 1 or 2 in to morning. dividing the paragraphs was the last thing on my mind. yeah. i know. thanks for the wake up call. i needed it. & YOU SHOULDN"T GIVE UP!

I'm Gay & it's fine. i guess that i was always looking for acceptance from others, and i didn't even notice that i don't even accept myself. how ironic.

No i'm not gonna do anything stupid. well. i hope i don't. thanks.

"i am who i am, so don't judge me for being myself"