Hmm.. I think in a way I'm a perfectionist... and it's reli getting to me coz I just can't let things go. I want everything to be at its best.. to be perfect.. argh, it's so annoying!
And argh, I think I'm too sensitive... I care too much about what others MIGHT think (although I've gotten a lot better to deal with this) and I feel bad and guilty and blame myself for things that might not even be my responsibility. Even though I know I do it, I reli can't help it. That's #2.
Okay, what's next is that I get jealous too easy! I get jealous about the happy things my friends are doing (esp during this stink holidae I'm having). I mean, I feel happy and all that for them but I just can't help (agen) but feel jealous that I'm not sharing the fun. I try to force myself not to feel jealous because I tell myself it's a sign of lust and greed. Is it naturally healthy to submit to my jealous feelings? Coz it's reli hard to do anything about it in the first place.
Hmm another thing is that I get soo nervous.. I get nervous when I want to make everything so perfect. Like when talking to my friends, or to someone I like. It just sux.
Then from the nervousness to strive for perfection, I screw up and I get all sad and depressed because I'm too sensitive and jealous of everything that's ideal. Then I feel I've let myself and others down so I begin feeling lonely with a kind of emptiness and worthlessness.
I know I've been ranting here quite a bit recently.. but this is the only place people seem to connect better with me. It's the feeling that someone can understand me that motivates me... and the hope to see someone that cares making a comment. So hmm... yeah just felt like letting this out. Thx so much and I luv you pplz.