The wierdest feelings I can't explain...

Uncertain's picture

Hey dere peoplez, it's almost 2am but I felt that I should make a recount of what happened in my life~ Mmm it gave me these feelings that's really hard to describe... This is a not so succint but also not so detailed story about me and my gay crush, T.

First I'll introudce the people in my little "story-telling"~ There's J, who is one of my best friends. She goes to a different school but we meet up regularly and do things togetha. Then there's T. T goes to the same school as J, and T is queer. Shortly after I started coming out generally, I met T (or more precisely, we became good friends.. since we used to go to the same Primary years back but just didn't know each other too well), who on my coming out to J, also came out to J. I came out to T, while T came out to me. But just before my coming out to T, another guy called V came out to T. I had feelings for T, and I can feel T had them for me too. But I didn't tell anyone about these feelings. A few days later V asked T out, T said yes and T became more distant to me.

That's what happened about 6 weeks ago. Then there was a gathering of our "gay" group to hang out in town which consisted of J (straight), T (gay/bi), V (gay), S (bi) and me (gay/bi). V is T's bf, and S is an old friend I had back in Primary. We had lots of fun together... and V and I got to know each other a little better and we became friends. He's a nice guy, and I'm happy for T since I was rather depressed back then so it's nice he's with V. Yet, I was still filled with admiration and jealousy.

So afterwards I tried to stop crushing on T... but it's so damn hard. Everytime T mentioned V's name to me I would have a voice in my mind saying "that could've been me". I try to focus on my other crushes, but T always come back on my mind. I was convinced I really liked T. Yet I felt guilty crushing on someone who already have someone else.

So for my holiday break, I went back to Taiwan for a few weeks. I chatted to T a lot more, and I felt that he was nicer towards me. Occasionally he would flirt and I would be rather happy, but only to be overwhelmed later by feelings of guilt, sadness, jealousy and worthlessness. I brought a gift back to New Zealand for T and V. It's two identical except different-colored cat collars and a leash (kinky). I thought this would make me believe I had accepted T and V are together, and that I'm out of the picture.

But upon coming back to NZ, we had a "deal". I lost the deal which meant I owed T a hug (pretty good deal actually). Then I was invited to have a mini party at his house which J and S were there, but V couldn't show up. At the mini party, I gave him the cat collars and leash and he adored it completely. He wore it on his ankle and everywhere he walked the bell on the collar would make a sound. He looked happy with this gift that signified the acceptance of him and V, and I was happy too.

However, later on at the party (or friend-gathering might be better)... we were all around a pretty small room. T and I were sitting on the floor... and suddenly he leaned his head on my shoulders. I didn't know how to react, I really wished I could embrace him in my arms... but again that would make me feel guilty, and complicate things with V because I knew V. So I just pretended I didn't care. But later on at the "friend-gathering", he was sitting slightly in front of me and leaned back to have his head and back against my body. Again those same wierd feelings went through me ... because I could not figure out what all this meant. Maybe I'm just overexaggerating things, and making myself believe in my unrealistic fantasies again.

But also at the friend-gathering, S called me to the side and asked if I 'still' liked T. I have no idea how she figured out~ but I didn't answer her because a few others heard her ask and T would know. Thankfully, another person (I'll call her E), proceeded our conversation into something else.

So before I was leaving T's house, I was feeling all confused but all the most lost and lonely. I can't help but ask T for a hug. In fact the voice in which I asked in was a pleading tone. T got off his seat and hugged me... and I can say that's probably the nicest hug I can recall.

The Thursday following that party (yesterday), I couldn't stand everything anymore. I was on MSN and talked to J, said that I need to tell her something and then phoned her. I always thought I could tell her my secrets, but this one about T was different. I'm scared she would tell T because she is also a best friend to T. But I still phoned up J, told her my feelings for T and felt a whole lot better. J also told me about her relationship problems... I guess we all felt a bit better in a way.

You'd think the story ends here with my stress and emotions spilled out to someone I trust. But tell you what it doesn't. So the next day after I told J about T (which is today). I went to this dance group which T goes to every Friday night. T met V here, but V only occasionally turns up (which he didn't tonight). I dragged J along to it as well. Before we went to the dance group, J and I had to go to T's house to get a ride. I arrived at 6, and T was there. We watched some videos on his computer and did some other things. T was on MSN and apparently V talked to him, V said something like this "Hey I'm on MSN you didn't talk to me! :(" Then they had a brief conversation and suddenly T told V that I was there beside him. The whole situation was awkward... V went silent on MSN... and had long reply times with short replies... which reminded me of myself when T was at V's house one time and T talked to me on MSN saying V was beside him. Well, after that awkwardness... I had about 30 minutes of having T to myself. Then J came, I ran to get the door while T stayed in his room. While J was taking her shoes off... she told me what happened at school today. She was like "did you know what T said to me at school today? He went up to me at lunchtime and said this "What do I do J? I'm starting to like Max. Is it bad to want two people at the same time?"" So I was rather surprised to know he said that... and I asked J did she tell T about the fonecall we had last night. She said she couldn't lie... so she told T about it. The thing is T didn't mention it at all the whole half an hour I was there. So I respected that and J and I returned to join T in his room without mentioning a word of it.

Then we went to the dance group. On the ride there T was occasioanlly leaning on me again. J said we looked dodgy in the back seats~ Well, the dance group was enjoyable but it was also tiring. Apparently T does his dancing moves really GAY-like and people in the dance group think he is a bit girly. Then when we are on the ride back (with 8 people in the van)... I was sitting at the front row while T is sitting at the back row. I turned around and had my head resting on my seat. T occasionally had his arm over my shoulder and on my back, or around my shoulder and neck... or I would rest my head on his elbow. Annie saw and she's like "Omg look at them". Well then I got home and logged onto MSN, although rather happy but again having mixed emotions of fear, sadness, jealousy of V, and guilt to have made T do those things. T was on, and we started talking. The conversation later got into the subject of J... and I knew he brought J up because he wanted to see if I could tell him how I feel about him myself. So I brought up my courage and confessed my emotions to him. Then, he did the same about me too. (S was actually saying to T at their school "You have V and yet you still make Max think you like him", but now T confessed that he actually have feelings for me too). Although serious, we spoke casually and made jokes about our suppressed feelings for each other. Now that a huge load of burden is lifted off my shoulders.. I can actually breathe again. T is still with V though, and I'm still happy about that. These few days were a bit like a crazy hide and seek I'm playing with T with our emotions. But now I've found where he's been hiding and he discovered where I am lost. The game of hide and seek is over, probably meaning no more random, unexplained and awkward hugs and shoulder leaning. But what is really the greater good behind that is I'm just simply glad that T and I are able to stay true and tell the other about our feelings that have long been unspoken.