Theres a RAnT in my Journal!!

SilentBlue's picture

Lately I have been having this rage about liking girls...I just so do NOT want to be a lesbian!!! Pretty much everyone else on here seems like they're okay with it and they get to accepting it after something like 1 or 2 years...Its been 4 years since I really realized it and pretty much my whole life of being worried that people would think that I liked girls because of the way I acted. Are other people feeling the same way as me and having as hard of a time as I am?? Or is it just that I'm stuck in my own little world in my way of thinking and it just SEEMS like a normal person would have accepted it by now if they had been suspicious of it in themselves and trying to repress it since they were in elementary school and had fully realized it for 4 years now?

I've been thinking lately that being out would make EVERYONE treat me VERY differently. I've been testing lately just by acting more like what is natural for me, and they don't take it well. It seems like they would only be okay with it if I kept on hiding it even after telling them. This, and many more thoughts like this, are making me super paranoid about my image. I think people suspect I'm gay because of the way I act and dress and stuff and I just keep wanting to fight my instincts and try to be straighter. The "rules" for coming out are to be comfortable and accept yourself first, right? Well, I am so far from accepting any part of myself that it feels like it will never be "right" for me to come out. I seriously need to work on my self-esteem and my self-image! Anyone have any ideas as to how I would go about doing that?

...I've also noticed that I get very worked up whenever I write a post that I end up not posting a lot of the stuff that I type out. And they all seem to turn into negative rants even if I want to be postive. So I'm very sorry that all I do is whine and complain on here but I have no where else to do it.... I really don't know what I'd do without this place! Plus it makes me feel special when people reply, hee hee!

Comments

jenevieve's picture

: : b e c a l m : :

Just because you haven't accepted yourself yet, or aren't comfortable with yourself doesn't mean that you never will be. Different people take different lengths of time to be confident with themselves.

I think that you need to stop worrying about what other people think...and yes I know thats harder said than done.

You're never going to be comfortable with yourself if you aren't being yourself. If you're always dressing and acting as others want you to and aren't being yourself - then how can you accept yourself? Its just not feasible.

It worked for me. I was pretty much always open about myself...I'd make jokes about my sexuality, comment on women I liked, discuss issues of the gay world etc. That was how it started....people werent sure if it was a joke or the truth. And eventually it became the truth. I didn't come out to my friends...they just knew and accepted it because it was just me.

I was happy with my life - my friends, family, school grades - depite the slum, social life...it was all going well and I managed to accept myself.

Who cares if i'm gay? Or if im fat? Or if im unnatracctive?
The way I see it - If I don't give a shit anymore, why should anyone else?

Guess you could say I had an epiphany.

*hugs*

jen

xox

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All these women out there praying for a man, and i'm giving them my share. - RMB

Y - GuRl's picture

I was like you, still am a bi

I was like you, still am a bit. I'm only out to two people because i'm too scared of how people are going to see me once they know I'm not straight like they assumed I was. But we both know that we gotta tackle that issue sooner or later.. coz in the end we've just gotta be ourselves.

With accepting yourself, everyone's different. Just try and look at the positives of being gay. (I know you might not see any now) A few years ago I was totally in denial coz I was scared and confused and all that shit. But after a while with oasis, I started to feel unique and almost glad that I wasn't just another 'normal' boring straight girl. Being different is heaps more fun, don't you think? Watch gay tv shows and movies if you can, having that sorta stuf to relate to can help. It's fun to be queer, we have our own film festivals, style, art, attitude, clubs, celebrities, inside jokes, movies etc. Lots of fun exclusive stuf just for us!

Don't force yourself to come out until you're ready and happy with yourself coz that's the first step. Stop thinking about the people around you and how they feel, concentrate on how you feel about yourself and try to block out the negative shit.

Yeah I'm not sure if any of that really made sense.. but you get what I'm tryin to say hopefully. Just don't stress too much and just have fun with checking out cute girls :]

msquared's picture

Hmmm

I think the key to loving and accepting yourself lay in this phrase: "Who I am is (insert your name here) and what I am is extraordinary." Once you truly believe that you're an amazing person it shows. You start to exude confidence and people begin to realize that you're not just another face in the crowd. You have to be proud of the awesome person that you are and unafraid to show it. If some people don't like it, so what? They're not your true friends anyway. If you be yourself, then you'll find your real friends who love you for who you are--faults and all. It's yo thang...do whatchya wanna do...

"Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible." T.E. Lawrence