Dyeing to be alive

the ghost's picture

I should be so happy today,but I'm not,I just feel sad.I finally got the college course I wanted.But instead
of offering me a congratulations,a well done,or even an I'm happy for you,my mother is just giving me
the silent treatment again and I don't know why.Everyone else is so happy for me but she doesn't seem to
care,and it hurts so much.
She always does this at special events.She ruined my sisters graduation,and lots of other special events
in the past.I know that I shouldn't let this get to me but it really does.I don't know why I look for her
acceptance or support anymore because it just makes me miserable,but I can't seem to help myself,and it is
affecting how I live my life.It feels like I am constantly scared to do anything for fear of how she will
react,but no matter what I do it is never enough.I should be out at a party right now,but I was too upset
to go,I just felt I couldn't face people.
I suffer badly from depression to the point I almost took my own life and she knows this yet still treats me
like this and does things to fuck with my head.My sister says she does it to keep a grip and control me
which I know is true.But still I look for her love and support and feel so much pain everytime its not there
for me.I know I am letting my life slip by because of this situation and that makes me feel even worse.
Sometimes I think I hate her but I know I don't because she is my mother,I just don't like her.
Ah well I feel a little better letting my feelings out here.

Comments

msquared's picture

I know what you mean...

My mom's the same way. Like this year in band I was 1st alto saxophone as a freshman, which is nearly unheard of, and she didn't congratulate me at all nor come to any of my concerts even though she knew I'd been practicing everyday for months for them. It's frustrating because I try my hardest to be the best person I can be and please her, but she just blows it off like it's nothing. I'm sure both of our moms care and are truly happy for us, but they're probably just afraid/not very good at showing their emotions. Or your mom might be an attention whore like my mom and act sadly so the attention can be shifted from us to them. Just try to shake it off and not let her spoil your good time and I'm sure you'll be fine. Congrats on getting your course!

"Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible." T.E. Lawrence