I don't think I have ever posted a journal during the day!

SilentBlue's picture

Weird, night time is the right time I guess. Hmmm.....

Ever feel like being positive and happy is a lot of work? I can be in a relatively good mood and have spurts of excitement or super-positivity, but its hard to keep it going. If I try to fake myself happy when I start to feel sadness, confusion, or whatever thats negative, creeping up, I get really tired. Then I burn out sometimes and just go into super depression really fast and do and think stupid shit while I'm down. While I'm faking happy and feeling like depression is creeping, I still do stupid things just because I don't care....Even when I am really happy I feel like I could care less if I died at any moment(wouldn't want to, would just not care if I happened to) besides the thought of how it would affect my family. But yet I care about EVERYTHING after I do it! Regret is my pastime.

In other news, I came out to another friend. Total=2. She took it well...wants me to keep an open mind to liking a guy, you know, the whole "maybe the right guy hasn't come along yet" Not her fault though because I suggested it when I told her thats what I told my other friend! Why am I so stupid? I should seriously be reading those "how to come out" pages so I get it across to people that I really feel nothing for guys! I was drunk when I came out to them too! REALLY, next one, NO ALCOHOL! I would say I have loved one guy, but it definitely wasn't sexual and was purely a strong friendship. I don't know....I AM going to keep an open mind, but I really doubt I will ever fall for a guy. It didn't work when I was scrounging for some sign that there was the slightest chance of liking any guys I met, but no, nothing....but never say never I guess hey?.... Ugh! After coming out to my friends, both times, I freaked and did stupid shit too!! More regret! Psshhht! Maybe that won't happen if I'm not drinking while coming out(thats dangerous) Theres one more friend I want to tell...she will be the first one I tell while sober hehe!

Comments

Dim's picture

Know how it feels..

I've even come out to lesbians who hadn't thought me to be gay before I told them, and therefore was convinced that I was just a confused straight guy. "I'm sure you're just waiting for the right girl to come along. Comon... Don't you find girls just a little bit attractive?"

If the friends whom you've come out to still suffer from the impression that you like guys, I think you should explain the situation for them again. This time, maybe in sober condition? ;)

Dim