I've really been MIA

pixies_in_the_underworld's picture

I doubt if anyone here reading this will recognize me, if anyone really knew who I was in the first place, lol. It doesn't really matter, I'm still gonna write regarless of the fact that I'm a total loser. I haven't been able to sleep, and it's the first time in a very long time that my insomnia has been that bad. My mother attributes it to the fact that it's close to the anniversary of the day when one of my most trusted guy friends molested me. It was a much bigger thing them his lack of respect for my body, but more of my lack of respect and the absolute idiocy that I carried out afterwards to ensure that I knew my "orientation." I swear to whatever is out there, I will never ever do that to myself again. It hurts, and it hurts all around. I just want it to go away and never come back. I wish it never happened. It's humiliating, and it's even more humiliating that he thought it gave him the right to do it again only a couple of days later. I will never truly forgive myself, so what's a few bad dreams, right?

I've also been having trouble with my first girlfriend who I started going out with in late May. I can't handle her clinginess and her absolute zeal of putting me on a friggin' pedestal. I hate her for that. Not only do I feel the pressure of having to live up to that perfect person she thinks I am, but I'm afraid of heights, go figure, lol. I've physically cheated on her twice, but I think I'm also emotionally cheating on her because I'm in love with someone else. I want to break up with her, but since she's in school and I've been too chicken to call her I haven't been able to yet. I want to do it to her face, because she's been with me for two months, I owe her that much and a phone conversation/message/myspace message would be too impersonal, right?

I'm just not in a space that's good for a girlfriend since I'm still madly in love with my friend who decided to stay with her boyfriend even though she likes me and, "Would've gone out with you if you had asked me first." I didn't even know she was bi until the guy practically scooped her up from under me, the nice, talented, smart, and considerate bastard. Also, this may sound crass, but I miss sex. Or atleast I miss my intimacy challenged version of sex. I'm her first girlfriend and I'm also her first practically everything else, so I have to teach her everything which means she thinks that she can sit back while I do all the work. Not satisfying my friends, not at all. So yeah, I'm a bitch. When I told her I was breaking up with her and why (the too clingy part not the friend loving part) my sister said, "I hate guys like you." When did I grow a penis and lose my soul (kidding, kidding!)?

Have you ever tried giving up something so essential to you as breathing? Alcohol is breathing to me, and while I've been holding my breath for the last four months I don't think I can do it indefinately. I want it more than I can handle right now, I would screw anyone/anything for a shot...hell a bottle of practically anything. Even cognac. I hate that shit. I tried AA in June, but I'm scared, and those meetings not only scare me further, but they make me want to drink more. I don't know what to do.

I'm confused. I'm confused about my life, the people I love, what I'm going to do with my life, whether or not I'm actually going to shape it up. I don't even know if I'll go through with half of the things I've posted, I just need to get it out of my head. The one thing that I've noticed when I get really depressed, is that I stop writing. So maybe if I try and update every week or so I can try to combat myself, or drag myself out of this crap. Maybe if I keep writing, I won't have to avoid issues for months until I can't sleep, and when I do I get horrifying images in my head of a girl ripping out peoples throats and eating them while they're still alive, all while trying to get to me.

So yes, I commend you if you got through all of that emo drivel, but then again, it just might keep me sane one more night, so I probably shouldn't put it down too much. Thanks oasis, thank you for being here so I can spew my guts out in a fairly safe environment since I doubt anyone will actually read this entry, and if you did...sucks for you, lol.